VBAC Chronicles Episode 4

I realized I hadn't written recently on this, but I've sure given it a lot of thought and effort!

But I first wanted to say to anyone reading this that I don't have what I see as typical reasons for attempting a VBAC. I don't want "the dream birth I've always wanted" and don't feel cheated at all that I had a Cesarean with Carson. In fact, we had no problems bonding or breast feeding and there was definitely no lack of oxytocin post-partum:) I see the birthing process as a means to an end, more than an end in and of itself. I truly just care about the labor process and VBAC for health reasons. The one medical fact that pushed me in this direction is that it is healthier in the long run and will better enable us to have as many kids as the Lord allows. 

I recently watched The Business of Being Born and loved it. I cried of course, and really agreed with everything they said except one thing at the end: that a cesarean interrupts the natural bonding process in mammals (and thereby humans, in their logic) and threatens the mother-child bond in a big way. Like I said above, I had no problem being totally overwhelmed with feelings of love and protection for my little guy. Even in recovery all I wanted to do was hold him! ...while pestering the nurse for pain meds cuz they took the epi out and OUCH. Maybe women who are knocked out completely have a harder time bonding. I wouldn't know! 

Other than not regretting my cesarean except that it was unnecessary, and watching the documentary, I've also hired a doula and am about to meet her today! Her name is Jami and I'm floored to have her help. Doulas increase the chances of having a successful VBAC by 40%, and considering that about 60-80% of women who do a TOLAC actually succeed, I'd say having Jami to help would make me more like an 80% chance of success. 

My main reason for hiring a doula is because of what I've learned about the labor process and how the interventions that I allowed to take place during my induction with Carson led to my Cesarean. Not only will a doula help you stick to your birth plan, but she will help you go through contractions without pain meds. And it took me a loonngg time and lots of my own research to even fudge on the epidural. But once I discovered that part of helping the baby get in the right position is moving around and not being bound to a bed (Carson wasn't descending from what I remember). So if I'm not having the epi and bound to a bed, I'm probably going nuts screaming over the pain I'm feeling! Also, Jami mentioned that it's better to place the epi later.

The biggest deal with all of this for me is that in order for me to avoid having major abdominal surgery unnecessarily, I have to fight for it. I have to do my own research, find support, and be most likely willing to tell a doctor, a highly trained professional, that I don't agree with their wishes for my body. To tell a Dr for example that I am unwilling to be induced before a certain time, or be induced by AROM (breaking water). In some cases, women have to actually fight against a Dr being very pushy for them to give up the trial of labor and just schedule a section. But I hate confrontation like this and avoid it like the plague. And I used to just go along with whatever the Dr said because it was law. But part of this is a return to the truth that Drs are medical advisors. They do not have the final say what happens to me or my baby! Even in emergencies, the Dr has to have permission from David to cut me open! 

Maybe I'll write more after I meet up with Jami! 

Lonely evenings

How do you tell people that you are lonely and would love to have them over? There is honestly no non-awkward way to do that, nor is there a not risky way. You have to be vulnerable and willing to possibly feel even more lonely if someone responds negatively!

Could I post a pathetic status on Facebook? What a great impression that would make! If I call someone up what will they say? I know I've never ever received a call from a friend (except at moody) saying that they are lonely and would like to spend time with me! 

David's new work schedule takes him away 4 evenings a week, but I think now it's 5 with the holiday season schedules starting this early! This means that 4 days a week I only see my best friend at lunchtime for about an hour or hour and a half. I'm not complaining really, just trying to explain why I feel the way I do! I'm at home alone these evenings without a car, and also with a little guy who shouldn't be up past 8 or 8:30. 

So tonight, Saturday, especially is hard. My parents went to dinner and a concert with another couple. Friends get together with other couples to socialize or are at home with their families, getting ready for bed. Even all the singles or high school punks are partying and getting drunk, and driving by our house blasting their music.. which doesn't rouse my envy, except that they aren't alone... Hahaha.

Anyway, I guess I decided that blogging about it was better than nothing. That way if you read this you may actually care that I'm alone and possibly not think I'm pathetic for it! I know that I'm not alone in my loneliness but no one else I know is coming out and saying it! 

It's just hard to think about how to approach this topic. Who would actually sacrifice their precious Saturday night to come to my house to be with me? I'd think most people would schedule something more fun or family-oriented, or would rather be at home or out with the ones they love. And I sure wish we lived closer to our families.

I have many evenings like this and it hurts a bit. No one in particular has hurt me, including David! There is no one to blame. I'm not angry at anyone. It just hurts. And time and again God brings me through the loneliness to a new day of busy motherhood and other activities. He doesn't spare me the pain but I get through it alive by His grace and without sinning against Him or my family.

But hey, the invitation stands and if you are a friend who seriously wouldn't feel like you are condescending or forcing yourself or wasting your time, I'd love to do a puzzle or watch Napoleon Dynamite (again) on a lonely Saturday night. 

I QUIT!

This evening I am feeling a tremendous sense of relief, as if a heavy burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. Or the freedom a woman might feel in breaking up with an abusive boyfriend.

I've quit cloth diapering. Cold turkey. I just removed my last cloth diaper (filled with squishy nasty poop) and cleaned it and threw it in the wash with my last load of cloth diapers. I have several lightly used or never worn diapers that I'll be selling, along with cloth wipes, extra inserts, a pail and a wet bag. 

I don't need to explain why, because the past four posts I've written about that explain most of it. The rest of my reasons for quitting include the overall stinkiness, time/energy commitment (laundry involves going up and down a flight of stairs a few times), and probably our old washer and extremely hard water. 

Most of all, cloth diapering was my favorite mothering fetish and took up the energy of my devotion. But no more. I don't have to cloth diaper to be a good homemaker or even to save our family money. I don't have to cloth diaper to be a good mom, in the same way that a lady doesn't have to have a natural (or even vaginal) birth to be a good mom. 

I loved cloth diapers. They are cute. But they are also smelly and incompatible with my life now! I'm no longer asking for advice or tips because I've tried IT ALL. Twice. It didn't work and it's taking way too much of my emotional and physical energy.

Anyone have any good deals on disposable diapers? :) I'm all ears.

Recent Pics

Update

So the first thing I'd probably say in an update is how BIG I am and how uncomfortable I feel. Don't get me wrong, I consider that a good thing! I'm looking forward to getting the ball rolling with giving birth in about 3 months! I just don't know how much bigger my belly can stretch from the last time it housed a baby! I'm still praying for little Samuel's health. And about a month ago I finally got consistent in taking prenatals again! 

David loves his new job. Honestly it's boring, but that's ok! Amazon treats their employees very well. So far, adjusting to four evenings a week apart hasn't been so bad, but it's only been two days.

One of my favorite (for lack of a better word) things lately was being asked to play for a funeral of a sweet older lady at our church. I could probably just take the "er" off of that because I'm sure she would've agreed that she was "old" at 92! She was pretty much the sweetest old lady I've ever known. It was heart wrenching to see her 60+ member family crying and hurting so much as they missed her. It was hard to play the songs I had practiced so hard because it was just so emotional! 

I have four piano students this school year! It is super fun. For now I am teaching kids of friends to gain the kind of experience that can go on a resume, doing it as favors for little money or in exchange for babysitting favors. But lately the vision has been forming in my mind to have a studio of my own when my kids are older... Which could be a while depending on how many I have. Not only would being a piano teacher be totally awesome, but it would be in line with my college education and all the years and years and hours of hard work I put into learning the piano! 

People who are unfamiliar with the cost of lessons for a beginner child would be surprised to hear that it would be about 50$ a month. But think about it: a person without a High School Diploma will easily charge 80$ a month to mow and trim your lawn weekly. And I would be asking 50$ to weekly teach your child in a one-on-one setting how to play piano, having studied it for 20 years under Drs of Piano! Piano is an art that takes a lot of practice and education. When I took lessons in high school with a Juilliard grad, they costed 200$ a month! 

So piano has been on my mind lately, if its not obvious enough :) At first I realized its a side of myself that I don't talk about that much, because I take it for granted and so few friends I know played piano that much. But it's an amazing experience to be able to be asked to play for a funeral just two days before, and to have all the previous years of hours of practice alone in a practice room (hours of being "culturally irrelevant") to be able to pull it off. The reward: seeing how it blessed a bereaved family to hear music that describes the beauty of God and heaven. Or playing for weddings! I've done at least 5. I try to pick music that is beautiful and worshipful. The great thing about weddings is that there is more time to prepare! 

Anyhoo, I'm neglecting my motherly duties! 

Positive Job Update!

Today God provided David with a way out of UPS! His work there, mainly for the last 3 years in a supervisory role, has been just short of psychological torture. I'd rather not go into details here, but let me just say this: Don't become a front-line supervisor at UPS Worldport.

Moving on! David will now be working at the local Amazon.com fulfillment center right near us in our home town! He'll still be working third shift and will still also work at Sacred Heart Model School as their After School Care Director. He'll have to drop one of the two seminary classes he's taking this semester. He'll probably get in pretty good shape and get to grow his goatee back :) Those are the least of the perks of course. We will save big on gas money and wear and tear on our car, and he'll get a 3 day weekend, at least from Amazon. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that our new schedule we be just as crazy as it always has been! (See my recent post about this) But it will be a lot less stressful in some very important ways. 

Practically, his new schedule fleshes out to be about 5 more hours of work a week. I know... More hours! For now, he'll be gone the entire evenings of tuesday through friday starting next week. When he came home from the interview today to ask me before accepting the position, it was hard for me to say yes... but not that hard. 

When you have a family you all have to make sacrifices. It's just what we have to do to get by, and there's no other way to do it right now. For this season I'm giving up the evenings we've had together and replacing them with lunches together, but only four days a week. Carson's nap will start later, around 1 now. Further, instead of about an hour and a half round-trip commute to UPS for David, that time will be spent working at a place only 10 minutes from our house. Also, this job is full-time. UPS never was, and it is very difficult to get full-time employment where he was at. At Amazon, he could easily be promoted and make enough to only have to work ONE JOB to make enough. We're teaming up to do this for our mental health. Ironic, I know.

Needless to say, I'd love to have friends over in the evenings now! Especially for dinner or play dates for the kids. 


 

VBAC Chronicles Episode 3 (or, Thoughts on trying for a VBAC, part 3)

On Monday I saw a midwife for the first time, and I felt like it went well. I can tell how she is overseen by the OBs in the office because she still commented a lot on me trying to keep Samuel's weight down by eating healthier and exercising! It was very motivating and since the appointment I've barely eaten any chocolate (used to be a daily thing) and I'm sticking to whole grains. I also bought some great groceries from Trader Joe's, which surely makes eating healthier much more pleasurable! Anyway, I joined a FB group called "VBAC Facts Community" and posted a question about baby weight and VBAC. Woman after woman after woman after woman after woman posted about how they or a friend or relative has delivered a 10, 11, 12lb, etc baby doing VBAC. A doula posted that our body very very rarely makes a baby too big to push out, and that size of the baby is not a factor in the baby getting stuck while I push. and judging by all the hip pain I endured last time, I think they would be able to get a baby through 'em!

One of the most shocking things the midwife said was that the office I had switched out of has a C-section rate of 50%. That percentage sounds unbelievable to me, but I do know the OB I had been seeing was really pushing for me to have an RCS (repeat c/s). Also the office I was a part of is owned by the hospital, whereas the one I'm at is not (though they are next door).

I wish I would've had a list of questions ready, but luckily I still have 4 months to ask them. The midwife also made it clear that I won't be pressured either way and that I should not feel trapped. I really really REALLY appreciated her saying that. I felt pretty trapped in the other office, where I had very little support for a VBAC so I would've had one. From what I know so far having more c-sections limits the number of kids you can have, which makes me feel the most trapped of all!

Since my appointments got off track, my next one is in 6 weeks with one of the OBs in the office. Both OBs are male, so this will be a little awkward for me the first time... hahaha. And I definitely NEED to get Carson a babysitter for that because it includes by gestational diabetes 1 hr test. Let's just say by the end of that hour everyone in the office would be rolling their eyes and popping pain pills for their headaches. Carson is in a "special" phase right now.

Last time I wrote on this I was really torn about having a VBAC because of the type of risks involved. As of now I am still definitely going to try, but it really depends on how things go near the end of the pregnancy, and how pushy the midwives will be if they even think that Samuel will be 9 lbs.  I've heard the margin of error on those weight guess is a whopping 2 lbs! I'd also like to know what kinds of accommodations the hospital has for a woman having a uterine rupture in TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean). David's Mom, a seasoned nurse, told me that I should ask those questions. But honestly I was too distracted with Carson being so fussy the whole time that I forgot all my questions. 

A couple days ago David told me of his fears about losing me :( The thing is, I reminded him, that the risk for a VBAC attempt is more for Samuel and not me. This is still the clincher for us, even though the risk is so miniscule. If I end up having a c-section, I will have to seriously lay on the altar my dream of having 4 or more kids.

Thanks for reading!

I made dis: bible verse wall art

I grew up in a home ruled by Creative Memories ("Shoebox to Showcase" when I was little) so I should be using my craft and design skills more. Once I made some other wall art using dried flowers my honey got me while we were engaged, and I also recently made an album of Carson's first year of life. It wasn't digital either, and making it was surprisingly therapeutic and stress relieving. The feeling of creating something beautiful and bringing your inspired idea to life is fulfilling, and I think it demonstrates how we are made in the image of our Creator. He sure is creative *chuckle*

Tonight I made dis! 

Psalm 36:7-9 is one of those passages that God really touched me with as a new believer is early 2001. It is such beautiful poetry too. Plus lately I've been praying to know God better cuz He's sent some heart-refining situations my way in the last few months. What better way to show off God than to put something like this on my wall? :)

Enough babble. All it took to make this was an old combo frame, and some crafty materials, duh! 

I used a cute variety paper pad, our cheap printer, Staples' rotary trimmer for free, and CM's tape runner for adhesive since it's so flat. It was super easy to pull off once the idea came to me. Anyone can do it. 

Not just 'airing my opinions'

pic source: socialmediamarketinguniversity.com

I love blogging and writing (when my charge allows) and could sit in front of this cheapo screen all day reading and writing. I think I even cherish this subconscious dream of becoming a writer of sorts, though I know I couldn't and wouldn't want to handle the stress, criticism and attention.

So I content myself to read the famous blogs. In recent months I've come to see why certain bloggers or authors get famous and others don't: The blogs that attract all the attention are people ranting and venting about being victimized in some form or another. Even worse, sometimes these bloggers have only a beginning or absolutely no formal education in the topic they are ranting about. And their readers, including myself, would rather read a short but attention-getting blog post rather than go to the library and read a more thoroughly researched, professionally edited and published work on the topic.

I notice that when I write about how I've been mistreated by someone and get snappish with my words, giving vent to my anger, that the post gets a lot of hits and feedback. When I write about every day things, being faithful in caring for family or just updates, or what God is teaching me through the Bible, it's usually not noticed that much.

pic source www.mrmediatraining.com

I know why this is. It's in our nature to flock to passionate causes, but also in our nature to flock to that which itches our ears, which causes us to feel that satisfaction of wrath against a real or perceived injustice, to even cherish our hatred of one group of people or another. It's in our nature to be hateful. It really is.

God has convicted me of this. It is wrong for me to use online resources for passive-aggressive behavior. It is wrong for me to use online means to give vent to and nourish my bitterness or anger! And whenever I've found myself in the situation of posting something like this, I'm ashamed. I also realize that I posted that thing without praying first, and that I hadn't been in God's Word recently when I did. Instead, I marinated my mind in thoughts written by someone not in a Christ-like frame of mind, or something who denies Christ altogether. Furthermore I realize that what I posted was just my rantings and opinions, usually not researched or in adequate response to something I've thoroughly studied. It is usually and solely an emotional reaction because of my offended pride.

Could it be that the Christian life requires someone to be extra careful with what they post online? I really think so. Could it be that a faithful Christian has a 'boring' online representation of their life? Yes! And I'm ok with that. In the context of contentment in any life situation Paul wrote, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

This means that I, as someone who loves to blog about my opinions, can through Christ's strength run those opinions through His Word and test to see if they are pleasing to Him before I post them. I can deny myself the emotional satisfaction of "getting back" at someone for hurting me. I can gain the courage to approach that person and talk to them face-to-face if they have hurt me. I regret that I've not done this in the past when I should. I always suffered from guilt or drama because of it. One or more relationships were strained. Most of all, anger and bitterness were allowed to take root and grow and prosper, making their presence in my heart more permanent and dangerous. It actually causes my spirit to die, the part of me that wants to seek and love God with all my heart. It stifles the hunger I've had in the past to know Him, and eradicates the hunger for time in the Word. It makes me friendships with people surfacey and shallow, never talking about the things of the Lord. It makes my view of reality to be shaped by worldly influences rather than the refreshing power of God's revealed words.

Now that I've further realized this I hope to change it by God's grace.

Thoughts on trying for a VBAC, Part 2

My head is buzzing with questions: another month has passed and so I had another appointment this past week with my going-to-be-former OB. (I decided to switch to a practice that has both midwives and OBs so that I could have more support if I decide to attempt a VBAC.) 

At this last appointment with her I was hoping to ask her more questions, but the more questions I asked, the more uncomfortable she seemed to get. When answering my questions, she continually tried to dissuade me from a VBAC by emphasizing the dangers of it and by continually mentioning having a repeat cesarean. She mentioned repeatedly not letting me go past 39 or 40 weeks, which would probably completely eliminate the chances of letting labor come on its own, something a woman attempting a VBAC should definitely do.

She also answered her phone and left the room in the middle of the appointment, and when she returned said (not because of the call) that she had to move on to the next appointment. Further, the more questions I asked, the more she said, "We'll see when you are further along, especially how big the baby is..." and referring to how Carson was 8'12'' (which in my book isn't that big). But I have a lot of questions and would like to set up a goal now before it's too late and I get pressured into having another Csection when I don't feel prepared or informed enough, like last time. I want more information.

I've liked this Dr. for several reasons though. Especially for how she acted at my 13 week appointment when she couldn't find the heartbeat (anterior placenta) and had to have an immediate ultrasound. She was genuinely worried and I could tell by the look on her face, yet she tried to remain calm. That impressed me. Further, she has always asked questions about our lives apart from my pregnancy or female health. She always tried to interact with Carson. In short, she has awesome bedside manner, but as she hinted to at this most recent appointment, there are powers above her that probably limit her ability to oversee a VBAC. In fact, without my mentioning my switch or to whom I was switching, she recommended the very group of midwives with whom I have my next appointment! 

In spite of this Dr's unwillingness to openly support my attempt at a VBAC or answer my questions in a fair manner, the pendulum has lately swung back towards having another section. Here's why:

**The risks to baby Samuel for attempting a VBAC are huge in severity but small in number or probability, whereas the risks to Samuel for a repeat Cesarean are small in severity and number, but worse for my body in the future, and possibly future pregnancies. 

**Future children/pregnancies have been my whole motivation for even considering a VBAC. But right now I have 2 kids, one in utero and one out. The one in utero (Samuel David) is already here, and I must consider his safety. At this point, I would rather have to have a hysterectomy or other problem that is not life-threatening to me or Samuel than risk Samuel's life in any form. I would rather have some health problem in the future than face the tragic death/loss of brain function because my uterus ruptured because I chose to try to have a vaginal birth. Any tragedy we would face because of a failed VBAC would be my fault directly. 

Samuel's life is much more important to me than having a uterus when I go through menopause or being able to impress other moms with my super-birthing powers. Plus, right now having more than two children is only a dream, not a reality. Samuel David Guthrie is a reality and a gift from the Lord. His life is more important than a VBAC or a dream that may or may not become a reality through our biological children.

But I have yet to talk with the midwives (august 19th). I want more information.

Lastly, the consent form that Clark Memorial has you sign has some interesting stuff to say. I don't know if it is from the OB or Midwife perspective. It seems to contain a balance of both, so I thought I'd retype it here. It is thought provoking I think.

Informed Consent for Patients with a Prior Cesarean Birth

1. I understand that I have had one or more prior Cesarean births.

2. I understand that I have the option of undergoing an elective repeat cesarean or attempting a vaginal birth after a cesarean.

3. I understand that approximately 70% of women who undergo a VBAC will successfully deliver vaginally.

4. I understand that the risk of a uterine rupture during a VBAC in someone such as myself, who has had a prior incision in the non-contracting part of my uterus, is around 1%.

(This is what I said above-->) 5. I understand that VBAC is associated with a higher risk of harm to my baby that to me.

6. I understand that VBAC carries a lower risk to me than does a cesarean delivery.

7. (their emphasis) I understand that if my uterus ruptures during my VBAC, there may not be sufficient time to operate and to prevent the death of or permanent brain injury to my baby.

8. I understand that the decision to have VBAC is entirely my own and the option of an elective repeat cesarean has been discussed with me. (This hasn't really been discussed with me as much as I'd like! Because as I said, the Dr. hasn't really answered my questions. ha)

9. I understand that if I deliver vaginally, I most likely will have fewer problems after delivery and shorter hospital stay than if I have a cesarean delivery.

(boo! Don't like this) 10. I understand that during my VBAC, the use of oxytocin (Pitocin) hormone to make my uterus contract may be necessary to assist me in my vaginal delivery and the "risks" of this drug have been thoroughly explained to me. 

11. I understand that if I choose a VBAC and end up having a cesarean during labor, I have a greater risk of problems than if I had had an elective repeat cesarean.

12. I have read or have had read to me the above information... etc etc



Sigh. Any thoughts or advice are welcome.

In conclusion, this situation has thrust me into several conflicts: the war between the OB camp and the midwife camp; the conflict between two routes of childbirth, neither of which I want to take; the current issues that divide many moms between two camps of birthing thought; the idea that "the business if being born" (which I have yet to watch btw) is what got me into this mess in the first place... the nagging thought that if I had not trusted only one doctor so implicitly (because of fear), I may not have to make this hard decision at all. I envy my friends who have had 1, 2 or more vaginal births.

Why can't there just be a third way to give birth? That would be adoption ;)

We're having another BOY :)

On Monday the 29th we went for the extensive 20 week ultrasound and found out we are having another boy! I'm pretty excited. I think boys are fun, and though I have a sort of grieving process for the frills, pinks and dresses for now, I've ever been a huge fan of those things anyway. And for now God has made us the mother and father of two boys!

Here are some shots from the ultrasound. (Per David's request, no pics of boy parts! haha)

The Dr. scheduled me for an additional ultrasound to check out his lip, I guess to make sure he doesn't have a cleft pallet? (spelled that wrong I think) It seemed she was saying they just couldn't see it. He sure was moving a lot during the ultrasound and the technician and I had to take a break from it and let me walk around to see if he would move differently so she could get a front shot better. It was almost an hour long actually!

Thoughts on trying for a VBAC

I'm almost halfway through this pregnancy with our second child, so what to do when it's time for him/her to arrive has been on my mind more lately! I have two options: a scheduled C-section at 39 weeks (around December 10), or trying for a VBAC. The new OB I had been seeing at JFW had had a month to look at my op report to make sure I had the lowest-risk incision to try for a VBAC, so at my last appointment with her 5 days ago I asked her about it. She said I was in the clear and had the best incision, which she said most Doctors do today anyway (low transverse).

But she also told me that there was a 5 to 10% chance of something going wrong, and when it goes wrong it is almost impossible to save the baby. She also said that there is a greater chance of stillbirth when a woman goes past 41 weeks. Now, the percentage above is enough to dissuade me from thinking of a VBAC. The OB gave me two pamphlets published by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynocologists, one on Caesarean Birth and one on VBAC. 

Within the next couple days I read through the pamphlets and found that both pamphlets had a much more of a favorable description of a VBAC than my OB had given. The VBAC pamphlet said that the most serious risk of a uterine rupture is less that 1% with the kind of incision I have. Another source said it is a .47% chance! Further, other than saying there is a 60-80% success rate of TOLAC (trial of labor after Cesarean), the only other figure mentioned was the one I just said - the very low and rare risk of uterine rupture. No mention of this 5-10% chance of baby dying. Hhhhmmmmmmmm.....

Yet I was no longer ruling it out for one MAJOR reason: Lord willing, we want to have at least one or two more kids, possibly more, after this 2nd one! The pamphlet warned that if a woman wants to have more kids, having another Caesarean birth is not the best for her. The VBAC pamphlet says, "For women planning to have more children, VBAC may help them avoid problems linked to multiple cesarean deliveries. These problems include hysterectomy, bowel or bladder injury, and certain problems with the placenta." The Cesarean Birth Pamphlet warns, "... the more cesarean births a woman has, the greater her risk for some medical problems and problems with future pregnancies. This may not be a good option for women who want to have more children." That last quote from the pamphlet all about Cesarean births is what finally got me. I knew at this point that the best thing would be to try for a VBAC and I sought out more advice. My friend Becca put me in touch with a doula (me talking to a doula is an occurrence I honestly didn't see coming) and I got more information from her as well.

I won't try to have a VBAC just to climb Mt Everest, prove how awesome I am, what a great Mom I am (I'm not, fyi). I'm not militantly granola and I find that kind of mindset cultish, narrow-minded, judgmental, legalistic and burdensome. Just to be brutally honest. (I don't feel like I have any close friends who fall into that category, those of you reading this. lol. I get this from the things I read online.)

We are all told that childbirth is a natural process and that nothing usually goes wrong, that we don't need all this "medical intervention". But from the standpoint of our Creator, "natural" is a slippery word. Before the fall, yes, birth was easily "all-natural" and probably a lot less painful and didn't result in death. But now sin and it's result, death, is at work all over the world and has effected our bodies. Childbirth is no longer easy as it was originally created. Women used to write goodbye letters to their husbands before going in labor, so many women would die in childbirth before this age of medical advancement! And the fact remains that my labor did not progress with Carson, and if this happens again I will have to have a C-section. It may never be known if my labor would have progressed after the 8 hours I was in it with Carson, but I'd like to find out this time for the sake of my and my future children's health! So that I feel like David and I can have as many kids as the Lord allows without taking some major risks.

I will have a thousand questions for the nurse practitioner when I meet with her in early August. I've had a few questions buzzing around my head concerning the Dr. that delivered Carson. My mom's labor with me was long because I was her first. But after they broke my water, Carson only had 8 hours to get out before I had a C-section. What if the Dr. had let me labor through the night to see what would've happened? His vitals were fine. I had only gone from 2 to 4 cm, and most of that was earlier in the day. It had probably been 5 or so hours with no progress, still at 4 cm. By 6 PM I had the Dr (via speakerphone... ugh!), David, and David's mom standing around my hospital bed, waiting for me to say whether or not I was going to have a C-section after having been persuaded by the Dr. that I should. David's mom didn't say a word, but David was convinced by the Doctor. I was very drugged, physically and emotionally drained, and frightened! As was David. I felt relief when I decided to have a C-section. The experience itself was not so bad, nor was the recovery process.

My regrets with this are that,
1) I had been induced into labor with Carson instead of letting it come on its own. It seemed to me that labor coming in its own is much better. Or at least waiting to induce a little longer. I wonder if the labor with Carson was so slow because my body was not on board, and also slightly malnourished. 
2) I opened myself up to having a C-section as early as my 38 week appointment when the Dr gave me the doom and gloom speech about shoulder dystocia, or even as early as the first appointment when I told the Dr comically that I'm not all about natural childbirth, meaning without pain meds.
3) That I allowed the time crunch before Christmas, and my Dr's personal schedule, to pressure me into inducing. I could've easily had another Dr deliver Carson if she was busy. But I was too unsure of what birth was like and was scared of the whole process. (I've always been scared of health events honestly. Especially barfing. Don't get me started on my honeymoon! lol)

Like my mom said to me the other day, C-sections are sometimes medically necessary and thank God for that! But I'm unsure whether mine was. In fact, I highly doubt it was.

June Updates

Since I last wrote here we've made a lot of progress on our basement, which is mostly what we do in our free time (especially David). After 5 days of tiling, the largest portion of our family room is laid but not grouted. Here it is: 

Now David can use the tiled portion for the wet saw and other tiling materials so he can finish the other half of the room and the hallway. I've been helping lay tile, put in spacers, wipe up extra mortar, and a few things, but David does most of it. It's kinda hard to be crouched on the ground at the end of a full day with a belly in the way, but I wish I could be of more help. 

It's been 2 months and a few weeks since our basement flooded! I'd say we're only about 40% done with the whole project. DIY is long, hard, and dirty! It requires a lot of patience and hard work and perseverance! And a little extra room in the budget for mess-ups ;)

Other than that Carson is growing up so fast! He's learned several new words these past few weeks. I tried to get them on video but he isn't the performing type :) The cutest word he says is 'cracker' (his all-time favorite and therefore his first 2 syllable word that he says the clearest). It sounds like "caa cuh" when he says it in his quiet little voice. Also, to top it all off he melts my heart with his new habit of wanting to snuggle in my lap :) He's never been much of a snuggler until now, and he still doesn't sit still very long! 

Other new things are plans for a family reunion in July and having to say goodbye to Miyah, my parents' sweet dog, aka my little sister :( 

Also, I'm 15 weeks along. We have no name ideas yet and are kind of waiting on the gender ultrasound July 29. Every time one of us brings up a name, the other one doesn't like it. We also have different styles: I like modern names, David likes more traditional names. Biblical names can be both modern and traditional, so we may go for that. 

I had an appointment at 13 weeks which scared me! The Dr. couldn't find the heartbeat, but it turned out the placenta is in the way (anterior). So I saw little one again by ultrasound! Thus, this baby gets a 9 week, 13 weeks and 21 week ultrasound! :) here is my belly! 

Also, we got a new fridge a couple weeks ago. Our old one broke, so we used my birthday money and a little insurance money to buy it. 

 

Lastly, David has another interview, this time for a sort of lateral move at UPS for a full-time admin. position in a location where he would be treated better. In case you didn't know, UPS is famous for being a miserable place to work but makes up for it with school help, high pay and amazing health benefits. :P but at the end of he day, I would rather be a little more poor than see my husband unhappy. 

What our Daily Life is REALLY Like

We kind of live a crazy life around here. I feel the need to explain this to our friends so you can know our needs. We need help sometimes. And understanding. We need prayer for the health of our family and marriage. I know all families have hardships, and I don't want to compete or compare. I just want our friends to know why we may say "no" to things sometimes. I also want our friends to know why they may not see us as often as other families, or why we feel overwhelmed sometimes. Our lifestyle is crazy, sort of like overbooked college students only with children and a mortgage. So here goes...

David's Schedule and How it Effects our Family

The craziest thing we've dealt with for pretty much the entire 5 years we've been married is David working third shift @ UPS. Because he works through the night monday through friday night, he has to get his '8 hours' another time of the day. So he sleeps from about 6:30 til 1PM. This throws a wrench in some social activities and things scheduled in the mornings, or makes them difficult for him to attend... When friends move, they move saturday mornings. That is David's equivalent of 2AM. When friends call David's phone during the mornings and lunch, he can't talk. He's sleeping :) And when Carson is playing around the house, can I let him scream a lot? not really... And every time I go into our room in the mornings to change clothes or get something, he stirs. I hate disturbing him and wish he could get more and better sleep. I've put darkening curtains in our bedroom to help him. Thankfully, most of the time David is a heavy sleeper. But not always. We have to be careful and considerate of him...

David also works two other jobs in addition to UPS. One is that he works afternoons Monday through Friday at Sacred Heart Model School. He is their After School Care Director. He works from 2 to 6. So when David wakes up at 1, he gets ready to go to work again and is gone until about 6:30. Though weeks are tight for us, it is God's provision and the schedule is doable for now. I have been praying for months that God would provide David with one job instead of these two being our principle income. He needs it, so if you could join me in prayer for this I would appreciate it! I need to be more persistent about prayer in this area though, because Christ commanded that in Scripture...

The third job David works is at our beloved home church working with AWANA and youth sunday school. When David wakes up Saturdays around lunch time, we have family time because it is the only day of the week where we can have any family time longer than one hour! Saturday nights he works on his Sunday School lesson. They are going through the book of Matthew. Carson and I miss David a lot during the week. Carson only gets to see Dada usually for an hour before bedtime M-F. I guess for some families this is okay, but we want more. 

Honestly, we have this constant feeling of being stretched and overworked. In a country that glorifies and worships workaholics, I don't feel like I fit in. Though we play the part very well! 

What also effects our schedule and our family is that we only have one car. It's easy for me to get my errands done when David sleeps  from 6:30 til 1, though Carson naps from 11:30 on. This gives me a four or five hour window to do stuff I need or want to do outside the home. But David uses the car from 1:30 to 6:30. By 6:30 I've been making dinner for an hour while feeding Carson, and also have it ready for a starving, hardworking husband when he comes home. David and Carson get their time together, and then Carson goes to bed between 7:30 and 8:00 right now. This gives David and I time together, though lately this has been spent doing work in our basement. He leaves for UPS around 10 and the daily cycle starts again for him... work 10-6, sleep 6:30 to 1, work 2-6, be with family from 6:30 time 10, etc. etc. etc. 

When you do the math, David's work week comes out to about 55 hours; 30-35 at UPS and 20 at SHMS. During the school year he also takes two classes. I don't know how my love does this, but he does it well. Very well. He is strong and hard working. He is not wimp. If there was ever a man who worked hard to provide for his family by doing whatever he can, it would be David. I am so proud of him. 

On Me Staying at Home

You can imagine that I could feel a load of guilt for David working so much outside the home, and here I am at home with Carson and soon to be another child. I'm not going to divulge all my struggles in this area, but I will just say that what we have now is the best for us. We know this.

A short explanation: If I were to work outside the home, I could never make as much per hour as David makes at any of his jobs. Thus if I worked and replaced income from one of David's jobs, I would have to work about twice as many hours as he works at the job just to make the same amount of money. This would give is even less time together as a family and make our schedule even more ridiculous.

I wish we could say that I am at home purely as a calling from the Lord, but I can't. Up until the third trimester of my first pregnancy we were planning on me working at least part time. Then this job at SHMS as After School Care Director fell in David's lap. It has been the best job he has ever had! The principal is wonderful and understanding of his third-shift sleeping schedule. The pay is exactly what we need. The job itself is fun for David, and also good for building his resume. He wants to be a Children's and/or Youth Pastor. Once he finishes his M.Div. next year he will have already sent out resumes, Lord willing. He has in the past, but God has closed all doors and so far laid on our hearts to stay where we are and serving in our home church, which we love. 

My daily schedule is formed around Carson's and David's schedules. I spend most of my day in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning up after cooking. I do laundry (we have a lot with cloth diapers ;) ), mow the lawn, pay the bills and manage our budget, do trash and recycling, grocery shopping, schedule events, watch kids for friends, and just play with and care for Carson. Though with all the chores, it is difficult to sit down and play with him when every where I look something needs to be done. 

So getting out of the house is essential for me. Not having car access in the afternoons, when chores are mostly done and Carson and I are getting cabin fever, has been a bit of a challenge, though I've adjusted. I've sort of made myself more introverted in order to serve my family better. But of course I spend too much time on FB when I feel the need to be in contact with people. I can't change the fact that God made me extroverted and a people person!

Could You Pray for Us?

We have struggled for a long time now with our lifestyle. What is more taxing than anything is the way he gets treated at his most necessary job, UPS. Every supervisor gets treated badly there, so David isn't particularly deserving of it or anything. We depend on UPS for SBTS tuition reimbursement, health/dental insurance and for half of our income. 

I always miss David when he leaves at night for work. A lot of my interactions with him throughout the day are in transition between some job or other and sleep. Many times he is only half awake. Sometimes this makes communication difficult! We strive to do weekly dates or 'couch time' and we make time to talk. 

David doesn't have much of a social life outside our family and his coworkers. By nature David is an introvert and doesn't require much in that area, though I see that he is hungry for time with other guys. Especially guys who share his interests, like his friends Jeremy, Scott B., Jason, Don, etc.  He also loves his parents and they talk frequently. 

So What?
 
In conclusion dear friends, if you see David nodding off at church, or ever wonder why we don't make it to events or helping someone move, or why David forgot to call you back for the 3rd time, or why you haven't heard from him for a while... now you know why, if you didn't already! :)

I just wanted to be a little vulnerable and share my heart with my friends. I know you all have difficulties, especially if you are a seminary family with young kids, etc.... Again, I have absolutely no time or patience to compare or judge how people spend their time, and I just ask that our friends don't do that to us. People love to compete because we are proud. I am just accepting the lot that God has given me, and I pray that you can do the same for yourself and your family.


But most importantly, could you please pray for David gets one job to take the place of his two at UPS and SHMS?!?!

 

Basement progress

Empty family room!

David sweeping the splinters from the tack strips

The hallway

He laundry room is now home to some family room furniture, which blocks off the 3rd bedroom completely! Lol...

We've removed the carpet, padding and tack strips. I should say David and our friend Jason... I am doing painting, cleaning, taping for painting the remaining walls and sweeping and organizing! We are sooo ready to have the bottom half of our house back! We are making sacrifices to get it done too. 

Next on the agenda is to finish the living room: paint the remaining walls, lay the tile, then put the room back together! It could take a while. 

Then we have to paint the laundry room where David remade the walls and lay tile in there. Then we are getting our bad plumbing in the basement redone. By then I can get the washing machine installed, the one I got money for on my birthday  but haven't bought yet.

Then David has to do all the walls in the 3rd bedroom and floor too. I really hope that Lord willing this will be done by mid-October! That's 180 days (for insurance purposes).

What's hard is me being fatigued, sick and not lifting heavy objects (like rolls of carpet or ends of couches). I'm not taking any chances. David would've had another older sibling were it not for pregnant women lifting heavy objects! So I have no guilt in refraining. It is also hard to keep Carson content in the pack n play while I work. He is actually more content when he can't see me when he has his alone play time. Maybe I can try moving it out of the room but within earshot... Hmmm.

The last 2 days

I loved Thursday and Friday of this week because they were eventful and filled with people! On Thursday some missionary friends we knew at MBI who are stateside for now stayed with us overnight on their way from MO to MD! Joanna and Tim we both knew through various activities in college - I was in choir with Joanna and also friends with her at Moody. We stayed in touch :) David and I worked with Tim in the MBI kitchen. They are both fun, goofy, love good food and walking and running. Their ministry in Central Asia is a wonderful thing, though challenging too! They recently lost their precious newborn son Asa and are in the process of grieving. The sweetest part of their visit for all of us was looking at the album of pictures with Asa and crying together. I get teared up just thinking about it. It's nice to be able to see a friend in person and grieve with them, which I haven't been able to do with my friend Lisa :( 

When Tim and Joanna left the next morning, he twin grandsons of some church friends came to spend the day with me and Carson. They were cute and fun, and energetic! Given our limited home space right now with our basement, I planned to take them to the park and asked our loving neighbor Allison if I could borrow her girls to get the boys and Carson to the park safely because we live on a busy road. The girls were such a blessing and were much more entertaining for the twins than I was! 

Nap time took place in our only free room :) both David and Carson were sleeping in their own rooms! Our house was crowded the last few days, but there is nothing quite like being a friend to people and being involved in their lives. I just can't stand sitting around by myself day after day, relying on Facebook to keep me notified of what's going on around me in the lives of people I know and love. I still wish that our society weren't so dependent on such and artificial way of communication. Yet even though I say that, I'm on the site as much as any 20-something! 

Anyway, after the twins left I got to spend time with some great girls celebrating the birthday of another friend from Moody who recently moved here, Sarah (Newell) Leblanc! We met at the Cheesecake Factory and I made 3 new friends, like-minded Christian women. It was refreshing, though needless to say I was pretty tired from all I had done and being pregnant and getting over this stupid cold. When I got home last night I was barely coherent! Poor David :) 

Unfortunately, I only got a picture of my cheesecake, not the people I was with! Haha. 

It shouldn't even be legal.

Well, today (Saturday) is a much-needed family day. We'll probably continue working on the basement walls and go on a walk or something. 

Gardening: take 1

We cannot boast in our neglected garden! It's our first year and we are already learning a lot by trial and error: 1) do seed starters, with rich potting soil. No mulch. 2) put twice as many layers of newspaper down than we think in order to keep the weeds out.

Who knows? Maybe our plants will survive though they are shooting up entangled in weeds and crabgrass. Again, it's our first year in this house trying this :)

Here it is above. Don't laugh! We have excuses... Our basement repairs, my pregnancy symptoms and my allergies from H-E-double hockey sticks. That's another blog post and it would be depressing.

Here's some of our veggies! 

If this all succeeds, then we'll have yummy salads and be thrown into learning how to can and preserve, and if it fails then we will have learned the hard way and there will be no further blog posts on this. ;)

10 weeks today!

Recent Stuff from April and May

We've made a little progress on our basement with the help of some friends, and David working on it after work!

I got an awesome deal on cloth diapers online, but other than that I've not taken on too much the last few weeks! Nausea came earlier this time, along with fatigue. My allergies have been horrible! Baby #2 is already 9 weeks, and is due 3 days after Carson's 2nd birthday! I saw the healthy heartbeat of 170 yesterday and left Carson with some friends from church. I realized that we have had no need to do that for the last several months, so after I drove away I started to worry! I completely trust my friends, but I guess I just had mommy separation anxiety. I just don't scream and cry ;)

Mother's Day was wonderful! I love that holiday now that I am one and understand it more. I almost like it more than my birthday. Christmas however is going to be NuTs for the rest of our lives, with two kids with Dec. birthdays within 10 days of Christmas! I was thinking that we would have Carson's parties in early December and baby #2's around New Year. That way they both still have parties and I have a month between them... Lol!

I hope we have a girl so I'm not outnumbered. 

In other news our garden is a big trial-and-error zone this spring. The peas are still ok, but many seeds haven't sprouted. I suspect the birds! Our herbs are ok but depending on the type of pot and the climate, some do better than others! I can't wait to have a home-grown salad, even if it is made of just peas.

We miss our families a lot. We have a couple get together this summer, so hopefully I can get done good pictures of all of us together! 

Happy News

I thought it would be interesting to read later on what all my thoughts were in the first 4 hours of finding out we are having our 2nd child (in chronological order):

-(looking at the two positive pregnancy tests with Carson complaining in the background because I left him alone for 1 minute) Oh snap. Too late to prevent this (as in I wasn't sure if I was ready)
-*tears of joy*
-Woohoo!!!
-Tell Carson he's gonna be a big brother! give him hugs and kisses.
-There's a little heart beating inside of me!
-Make a sign to surprise David when he pulls into the driveway in 5 minutes. (sign said, "Dec. 2013 <3")
-Oh yay I get to make that 2nd child announcement shirt I saw in Pinterest! (Only Child, expires such-and-such date)
-Oops! better feed Carson. Hands shaking in excitement, too excited to decide what to feed him! shaking too much to buckle his high chair! Just give him cheerios for now.
-*David sprints inside and we hug and cry*
-Call parents! grandparents! siblings! close friends! Can't wait to tell them!
-Oh yeah... a two year old and a newborn - LOL.
-We really need some more cloth diapers!
-Lots of texting and calling!
-So excited I'm queasy. That Ham and Bean soup suddenly doesn't smell so good. It's all in my head.
-Lets discuss what we want to do about some things - I'd like to keep the name to ourselves until he/she is born.
-Operation VBAC - eek!
-Yay! now we have extra motivation to get the basement back in order!
-Children are such a blessing from the Lord. He has truly blessed us with another.
-Praying I don't miscarry, but trusting that this child is in His hands whether in my womb or in heaven!
-Wondering how many kids we will have in total some day, and when/if we can adopt.
-God is making my heart bigger.
-I want toast.
-Now I can put the impossible venture for flat abs on hold for at least another year :)
-Yay!

Please don't say anything on FB yet :)