Lonely evenings

How do you tell people that you are lonely and would love to have them over? There is honestly no non-awkward way to do that, nor is there a not risky way. You have to be vulnerable and willing to possibly feel even more lonely if someone responds negatively!

Could I post a pathetic status on Facebook? What a great impression that would make! If I call someone up what will they say? I know I've never ever received a call from a friend (except at moody) saying that they are lonely and would like to spend time with me! 

David's new work schedule takes him away 4 evenings a week, but I think now it's 5 with the holiday season schedules starting this early! This means that 4 days a week I only see my best friend at lunchtime for about an hour or hour and a half. I'm not complaining really, just trying to explain why I feel the way I do! I'm at home alone these evenings without a car, and also with a little guy who shouldn't be up past 8 or 8:30. 

So tonight, Saturday, especially is hard. My parents went to dinner and a concert with another couple. Friends get together with other couples to socialize or are at home with their families, getting ready for bed. Even all the singles or high school punks are partying and getting drunk, and driving by our house blasting their music.. which doesn't rouse my envy, except that they aren't alone... Hahaha.

Anyway, I guess I decided that blogging about it was better than nothing. That way if you read this you may actually care that I'm alone and possibly not think I'm pathetic for it! I know that I'm not alone in my loneliness but no one else I know is coming out and saying it! 

It's just hard to think about how to approach this topic. Who would actually sacrifice their precious Saturday night to come to my house to be with me? I'd think most people would schedule something more fun or family-oriented, or would rather be at home or out with the ones they love. And I sure wish we lived closer to our families.

I have many evenings like this and it hurts a bit. No one in particular has hurt me, including David! There is no one to blame. I'm not angry at anyone. It just hurts. And time and again God brings me through the loneliness to a new day of busy motherhood and other activities. He doesn't spare me the pain but I get through it alive by His grace and without sinning against Him or my family.

But hey, the invitation stands and if you are a friend who seriously wouldn't feel like you are condescending or forcing yourself or wasting your time, I'd love to do a puzzle or watch Napoleon Dynamite (again) on a lonely Saturday night. 

Positive Job Update!

Today God provided David with a way out of UPS! His work there, mainly for the last 3 years in a supervisory role, has been just short of psychological torture. I'd rather not go into details here, but let me just say this: Don't become a front-line supervisor at UPS Worldport.

Moving on! David will now be working at the local Amazon.com fulfillment center right near us in our home town! He'll still be working third shift and will still also work at Sacred Heart Model School as their After School Care Director. He'll have to drop one of the two seminary classes he's taking this semester. He'll probably get in pretty good shape and get to grow his goatee back :) Those are the least of the perks of course. We will save big on gas money and wear and tear on our car, and he'll get a 3 day weekend, at least from Amazon. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that our new schedule we be just as crazy as it always has been! (See my recent post about this) But it will be a lot less stressful in some very important ways. 

Practically, his new schedule fleshes out to be about 5 more hours of work a week. I know... More hours! For now, he'll be gone the entire evenings of tuesday through friday starting next week. When he came home from the interview today to ask me before accepting the position, it was hard for me to say yes... but not that hard. 

When you have a family you all have to make sacrifices. It's just what we have to do to get by, and there's no other way to do it right now. For this season I'm giving up the evenings we've had together and replacing them with lunches together, but only four days a week. Carson's nap will start later, around 1 now. Further, instead of about an hour and a half round-trip commute to UPS for David, that time will be spent working at a place only 10 minutes from our house. Also, this job is full-time. UPS never was, and it is very difficult to get full-time employment where he was at. At Amazon, he could easily be promoted and make enough to only have to work ONE JOB to make enough. We're teaming up to do this for our mental health. Ironic, I know.

Needless to say, I'd love to have friends over in the evenings now! Especially for dinner or play dates for the kids. 


 

What our Daily Life is REALLY Like

We kind of live a crazy life around here. I feel the need to explain this to our friends so you can know our needs. We need help sometimes. And understanding. We need prayer for the health of our family and marriage. I know all families have hardships, and I don't want to compete or compare. I just want our friends to know why we may say "no" to things sometimes. I also want our friends to know why they may not see us as often as other families, or why we feel overwhelmed sometimes. Our lifestyle is crazy, sort of like overbooked college students only with children and a mortgage. So here goes...

David's Schedule and How it Effects our Family

The craziest thing we've dealt with for pretty much the entire 5 years we've been married is David working third shift @ UPS. Because he works through the night monday through friday night, he has to get his '8 hours' another time of the day. So he sleeps from about 6:30 til 1PM. This throws a wrench in some social activities and things scheduled in the mornings, or makes them difficult for him to attend... When friends move, they move saturday mornings. That is David's equivalent of 2AM. When friends call David's phone during the mornings and lunch, he can't talk. He's sleeping :) And when Carson is playing around the house, can I let him scream a lot? not really... And every time I go into our room in the mornings to change clothes or get something, he stirs. I hate disturbing him and wish he could get more and better sleep. I've put darkening curtains in our bedroom to help him. Thankfully, most of the time David is a heavy sleeper. But not always. We have to be careful and considerate of him...

David also works two other jobs in addition to UPS. One is that he works afternoons Monday through Friday at Sacred Heart Model School. He is their After School Care Director. He works from 2 to 6. So when David wakes up at 1, he gets ready to go to work again and is gone until about 6:30. Though weeks are tight for us, it is God's provision and the schedule is doable for now. I have been praying for months that God would provide David with one job instead of these two being our principle income. He needs it, so if you could join me in prayer for this I would appreciate it! I need to be more persistent about prayer in this area though, because Christ commanded that in Scripture...

The third job David works is at our beloved home church working with AWANA and youth sunday school. When David wakes up Saturdays around lunch time, we have family time because it is the only day of the week where we can have any family time longer than one hour! Saturday nights he works on his Sunday School lesson. They are going through the book of Matthew. Carson and I miss David a lot during the week. Carson only gets to see Dada usually for an hour before bedtime M-F. I guess for some families this is okay, but we want more. 

Honestly, we have this constant feeling of being stretched and overworked. In a country that glorifies and worships workaholics, I don't feel like I fit in. Though we play the part very well! 

What also effects our schedule and our family is that we only have one car. It's easy for me to get my errands done when David sleeps  from 6:30 til 1, though Carson naps from 11:30 on. This gives me a four or five hour window to do stuff I need or want to do outside the home. But David uses the car from 1:30 to 6:30. By 6:30 I've been making dinner for an hour while feeding Carson, and also have it ready for a starving, hardworking husband when he comes home. David and Carson get their time together, and then Carson goes to bed between 7:30 and 8:00 right now. This gives David and I time together, though lately this has been spent doing work in our basement. He leaves for UPS around 10 and the daily cycle starts again for him... work 10-6, sleep 6:30 to 1, work 2-6, be with family from 6:30 time 10, etc. etc. etc. 

When you do the math, David's work week comes out to about 55 hours; 30-35 at UPS and 20 at SHMS. During the school year he also takes two classes. I don't know how my love does this, but he does it well. Very well. He is strong and hard working. He is not wimp. If there was ever a man who worked hard to provide for his family by doing whatever he can, it would be David. I am so proud of him. 

On Me Staying at Home

You can imagine that I could feel a load of guilt for David working so much outside the home, and here I am at home with Carson and soon to be another child. I'm not going to divulge all my struggles in this area, but I will just say that what we have now is the best for us. We know this.

A short explanation: If I were to work outside the home, I could never make as much per hour as David makes at any of his jobs. Thus if I worked and replaced income from one of David's jobs, I would have to work about twice as many hours as he works at the job just to make the same amount of money. This would give is even less time together as a family and make our schedule even more ridiculous.

I wish we could say that I am at home purely as a calling from the Lord, but I can't. Up until the third trimester of my first pregnancy we were planning on me working at least part time. Then this job at SHMS as After School Care Director fell in David's lap. It has been the best job he has ever had! The principal is wonderful and understanding of his third-shift sleeping schedule. The pay is exactly what we need. The job itself is fun for David, and also good for building his resume. He wants to be a Children's and/or Youth Pastor. Once he finishes his M.Div. next year he will have already sent out resumes, Lord willing. He has in the past, but God has closed all doors and so far laid on our hearts to stay where we are and serving in our home church, which we love. 

My daily schedule is formed around Carson's and David's schedules. I spend most of my day in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning up after cooking. I do laundry (we have a lot with cloth diapers ;) ), mow the lawn, pay the bills and manage our budget, do trash and recycling, grocery shopping, schedule events, watch kids for friends, and just play with and care for Carson. Though with all the chores, it is difficult to sit down and play with him when every where I look something needs to be done. 

So getting out of the house is essential for me. Not having car access in the afternoons, when chores are mostly done and Carson and I are getting cabin fever, has been a bit of a challenge, though I've adjusted. I've sort of made myself more introverted in order to serve my family better. But of course I spend too much time on FB when I feel the need to be in contact with people. I can't change the fact that God made me extroverted and a people person!

Could You Pray for Us?

We have struggled for a long time now with our lifestyle. What is more taxing than anything is the way he gets treated at his most necessary job, UPS. Every supervisor gets treated badly there, so David isn't particularly deserving of it or anything. We depend on UPS for SBTS tuition reimbursement, health/dental insurance and for half of our income. 

I always miss David when he leaves at night for work. A lot of my interactions with him throughout the day are in transition between some job or other and sleep. Many times he is only half awake. Sometimes this makes communication difficult! We strive to do weekly dates or 'couch time' and we make time to talk. 

David doesn't have much of a social life outside our family and his coworkers. By nature David is an introvert and doesn't require much in that area, though I see that he is hungry for time with other guys. Especially guys who share his interests, like his friends Jeremy, Scott B., Jason, Don, etc.  He also loves his parents and they talk frequently. 

So What?
 
In conclusion dear friends, if you see David nodding off at church, or ever wonder why we don't make it to events or helping someone move, or why David forgot to call you back for the 3rd time, or why you haven't heard from him for a while... now you know why, if you didn't already! :)

I just wanted to be a little vulnerable and share my heart with my friends. I know you all have difficulties, especially if you are a seminary family with young kids, etc.... Again, I have absolutely no time or patience to compare or judge how people spend their time, and I just ask that our friends don't do that to us. People love to compete because we are proud. I am just accepting the lot that God has given me, and I pray that you can do the same for yourself and your family.


But most importantly, could you please pray for David gets one job to take the place of his two at UPS and SHMS?!?!

 

Butterfield's book, homosexuality, etc.

I haven't written in a while! I think it's been 11 days, which is a record. I'm sure the internet missed another person's opinions.... anyway...

I've been taking this time to let Rosaria Champagne Butterfield's testimonial book just sink into my soul. Like I said, I'm in the process of reading 3 different books giving autobiographical testimony of conversions, all of which come from some sort of sexual brokenness. This is in an effort to understand where people come from to Christ, and how better to relate to them, befriend them and love them.

And Carson starts fussing now... this is the other reason why writing blog posts is hard! Having a crazy, adventurous toddler! That being said, I don't really have time to write any kind of comprehensive review of her book. I'm glad that's not my job. So I want to write about how her book changed my life!

Rosaria went from being a feminist, lesbian English professor studying Queer Theory in New York to being now a wife, pastor's wife and adoptive parent. She describes her conversion as a trainwreck, traumatizing and just really hard! She says that as she read through the Bible to refute it, and met with her new friend, a Reformed Presbyterian minister, the Word of God got bigger in her than herself. She had a lot of ups and downs along the way, but I'll save those for your own reading.

Two things powerfully struck my in the beginning of reading this book. 1) Her critiques of American evangelicals, and 2) the role of pastor Ken Smith as a friend and advocate in her search through the Bible (before she left her lesbian lifestyle).

1) When I first read her critiques of evangelicals I was offended. I felt my face get hot as I read it. I didn't like reading all the things that people like me are doing wrong toward the gay community. I knew she was right though! When I read through this part of the book a second time, having read the story of her conversion, it was easier to read. 

Examples:

"Here is one of the deepest way Christians scared me: the lesbian community was home and home felt safe and secure; the people that I knew the best and cared about were in that community; and finally, the lesbian community was accepting and welcoming while the Christian community appeared (and too often is) exclusive, judgmental, scornful and afraid of diversity..." pg 5 (italics mine).

"[Christians] appeared to use the Bible... in order to bring the Bible into a conversation to stop the conversation, not deepen it" pg 4.

"I'm grateful that the Lord brought me to a church that was as strong on teaching as it is on compassion... My lesbian friends had to learn that not all Christians are bigots. My Christian friends had to learn that Christians have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian folks about mercy work... I didn't know how to bridge the two groups..." pgs 23-24.

Here is a long one, but this one powerfully struck me:

"Shortly after becoming a Christian, I counseled a woman who was in a closeted lesbian relationship and a member of a Bible-believing church. No one in her church knew. Therefore, no one in her church was praying for her. Therefore, she sought and received no counsel. There was no "bearing one with the other" for her. No confession. No repentance. No healing. No joy in Christ. Just isolation. And shame. And pretense. Someone had sold her the pack of lies that said that God can heal your lying tongue or your broken heart, even cure your cancer if he chooses, but he can't transform your sexuality... She said: 'Rosaria, if people in my church really believed that gay people could be transformed by Christ, they wouldn't talk about us and pray about us in the hateful way that they do.'

"Christian reader, is this what people say about you when they hear you talk and pray? Do your prayers rise no higher than your prejudice? 

"I think that churches would be places of greater intimacy and growth in Christ if people stopped lying about what we need, what we fear, where we fail, and how we sin... And I suspect that instead of seeking counsel and direction from those stronger in the Lord, we retreat into our isolation and shame and let the sin wash over us, defeating us again" pg. 25.

Wow. 

2) The friendship that this Reformed Presbyterian minister and his wife, Ken and Floy, formed with this nonChristian, Christian-hating lesbian activist was truly loving and authentic. And to be loving and authentic he did not have to approve of the homosexual lifestyle. But he did have to go against what most Christians do today, which is to separate themselves from close friendship with anyone in the LGBT community. 

There were some notable components of their friendship... the fact that he didn't just invite her to church and quote a ton of Scriptures at her, that they didn't treat her like a project, scapegoat, blank slate for them to write on, or example of warning to Christians. He didn't humiliate her. He didn't just talk about sexual issues all the time. It seems like to me they talked mostly about the Bible and Jesus and Christianity. Mainly because she was writing something against the Christian Right and needed to study the Smiths. 

She says, 

"Before I ever set foot in a church, I spent two years meeting with Ken and Floy and on and off "studying" scripture and my heart. If Ken and Floy had invited me to church at that first meal I would have careened like a skateboard on a cliff, and would have never come back. Ken, of course, knows the power of the word preached but it seemed to me he also knew at that time that I couldn't come to church - it would have been too threatening, too weird, too much. So, Ken was willing to bring the church to me. This gave me the room and the safety that I need to match Ken and Floy's vulnerability and transparency. And so I opened up to them. I let them know who I was and what I valued. I invited them into my home and into my world. They met my friends, came to my dinner parties, saw me function in my real life. They made themselves safe enough for me to do this" pgs 11-12.

After I read the whole book, one big theme concerning sin and repentance struck me: the true cost of the Christian life in denying oneself and taking up one's cross. In Rosaria's life this can be summed in this sentence: "One doesn't repent for a sin of identity in one session" pg 23. 

We all have to repent of our identities and give our whole selves to Him. We all are depraved and lost without him. And as Christians we should see ourselves on an equal plain with the rest of the condemned, non-believing world, were it not for Christ in us. 

I came away from this book wanting to make more non-believing friends and friends from the gay community. I hate that they have a hard time and many times don't have anyone to share the truth about Christ's love and sacrifice to them. 

I know that Rosaria's case is unique - she sought out this pastor after receiving a letter in response to an article she wrote. He sought her out too, but she had to initiate. She had to study the bible for herself, and she did so because of her academic goals, not because the pastor told her to. Ultimately, it was God who saved Rosaria. He only used the Smiths for a time. I pray that more Christians can do that, especially with what's going on in the U.S. today. I think next week there is some legislation on gay marriage that's getting voted on. Instead of hating the gay community and seeing them as the enemy, we should remember that our battle is not with flesh and blood, but evil spirits and Satan himself.

Perseverance

Paul's letter to the church in Corinth, a part of chapter 3:

For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. ¹² If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, ¹³ their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. ¹⁴ If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. ¹⁵ If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames.

 For most of my Christian life (which started this month in 2001!) I've been surrounded by a large group of like-minded believers, but now I'm in a phase where all of that is being "revealed with fire". It's been kind of hard to see people getting confused about who Jesus is, or what authority they are willing to give (or not give) to the Bible in their lives, or wanting to be more like the culture than anything else, etc. when just years earlier, we had been worshiping Christ in the same throng, raising our hands in praise or talking about Jesus together in a Bible study, or serving together in some sort of ministry.

God's word is clear that this kind of apostasy happens. He says that there are four kinds of ways that seeds grow. They are either snatched up before they get into the soil (Satan takes away God's word), they make shallow root and dry up in the sun (they receive God's word, but forsake it when testing or adversity comes), they grow but are choked up by thorns (love of the world takes precedence) or they grow and yield tons of fruit (a healthy growing Christian). I guess some of these things are happening to these people I've known. Instead of letting their betrayal discourage me or make me doubt if I'm doing the right thing, I need to keep seeking God. I've been trying to do that.

The hard part is, lately it just seems like the betrayal of faith is increasing, or just all being shown to me at once. Or maybe it's just that people who leave Christ can easily boast about what they do, whereas Christian "boasts" sound so self-righteous. So many people aren't sure what they believe anymore, or don't know Jesus or want to have anything to do with him, and some are people that I love dearly!!! I won't give up on my faith in Christ. 

More than ever, I know that my faith does not depend on any other person or family member or preacher or establishment (even my husband, though he believes in Jesus). People love to blame Christians and their establishments for horrible things, but God is above all reproach. Let them try and accuse him of wrong, but he will only laugh at them.

Someday all will be revealed and all will be made right. But for now I wait for
"the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ" Titus 2:13. And I walk by faith, not by sight.

Undaunted, the story of Josh McDowell

I just finished the book Undaunted by Josh McDowell and Cristobal Krusen (there's also a movie). It tells the story of Josh's life from childhood through his early 20's. The main theme of Undaunted is that despite the hardships and sins in Josh's early life (a drunken father, being sexually abused by their farm hand for years), and Josh's choice to be an agnostic, God redeemed him and has used him for a great purpose: evangelism. 

Not only Josh but members of his family are also saved. This book serves to show God's power to redeem lives and use them for glory. God calls those who are foolish to shame the wise, and the weak to shame the strong. God calls Josh to forgive his father, his brother and his abuser. He shares Christ's love with them by both words and actions. 

A few other things were evident to me: First, God definitely gave this man a bold, extroverted and daring personality. Second, the fact that this book was co-written does not diminish Josh's life story but does it a service. And like any movie or TV show, there are skips in time to show highlights in his life. Lastly, this story of both abuse and redemption is only one of many. I'm sure there are thousands upon thousands of stories like this that never go written. That was obvious to me when working for a time with a children's ministry in Cabrini Green. Most obviously, God's Spirit is working all over the world to bring people to the knowledge of Christ. No one can stop Him. 


I don't want to give away too much of what happens, so I'll stop here! 

3 books of redemption stories

Hello! I am starting to read 3 different books that are written by Christians testifying of how they came to know Christ.

Interestingly, all three authors came from a background of sexual brokenness or abuse. I guess I have a hunger to understand better what it's like to be in and come out of that.

The books are:

Undaunted: one man's real-life journey from unspeakable memories to unbelievable grace... By Josh McDowell with Cristobal Krusen. (Tyndale, 2012)

Out of a Far Country: a gay son's journey to God, a broken mother's search for hope by Christopher Yuan and Angela Yuan. (Colorado Springs: WaterBrook Press, 2011)

And (I haven't gotten this one in the mail yet)
The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert by Rosaria Champagne Butterfield.

I'm super excited to read these and might write some stuff here about them! Also, I heard about these people and their books through radio interviews, and Christopher Yuan is a professor at my alma mater.

Lastly, though I frequently read and listen to things that are nonChristian, there can be only edification in reading books by Christians about the things of Christ. I don't live in a bubble, but I do long for the better things. Just a thought.

Profound quote on Christian persuasiveness

This morning I was reading a blog by Peter Leithart reporting on a debate between Douglas Wilson and Paul Sullivan on gay marriage. We Christians pretty much 'lose' all debates in this arena. And concerning that the author writes,

"In the end, these dilemmas may not matter. Perhaps Christians are called to do no more than speak the truth without worrying about persuasiveness. Perhaps we have entered a phase in which God has closed ears, so that whatever we say sounds like so much gibberish. We can depend on the Spirit to give ears as He pleases."

True that.

On being an everyday apologist

I am continually surprised and at the same time discouraged by how many people who have called themselves Christians in the past are doing things against... let's call it, 'traditions'. I don't mean this self-righteously. I'm tempted to do the same things they now do, but the grace of God sustains me. I don't really talk to any of these people anymore.

But I make war on the doubts that creep up in my mind. I'm troubled. I'm burdened. I'm struggling. But I'm not defeated because of God in me. Over the years, even in Bible college, I've been through serious doubts about God and about Christ and about the Bible. But in the bloody pits of these battles I call out to God and He sustains me. Sometimes I don't even call out to God, and ignore Him; yet still, he speaks to me. He reveals himself to me. He shows his love to me. 

I don't know if these people who fell away did that, or what kind of pain they have been through, or anything. I don't really know them, I just see and hear about what they do. And I read about the kinds of thoughts and philosophies that lead to a denial of our faith and a free license to do whatever they want without fear of God. 

But nothing strengthens faith like discouragement, opposition or persecution. I turn over in my mind the claims of those against my faith. And I'd like to write more about what goes in on my brain here. 

My hesitation has always been the crap that people will throw at me, or the kinds of things they will say behind my back. Or to my face, since the internet makes people more rude and bold at times. 

But if I am staying true to my conscience, to what I feel God's Spirit leading me to do, and if I am doing nothing against the plain word of God, then I have nothing to be ashamed over. It's not shameful to be passionate about what's good. And if my passion for what's good makes someone feel guilty for being passionate about bad things, but they cover up their guilt with anger and hate and snappy remarks, I'm told that I'm blessed in receiving that. But am I throwing the proverbial pearls before the proverbial swine?

So maybe I'll go out of my comfort zone a bit. I'll start blogging about being an 'everyday apologist', with a Bible in one hand and a baby in the other. As I'm washing dishes and thinking, or as I'm watching Carson play and thinking, ... maybe I'll write some of those thoughts here. Maybe not.

Let me make one thing clear: I have no reason to hold myself above anyone who lives differently than me. I am just 'one beggar telling another beggar where to get bread.'

If I sound self-righteous to any of you, you have misunderstood me and I'm sorry. I work all day every day at setting aside my pride and checking my motives. I've almost gone insane over it, but for the assurance of God's acceptance of me by Christ.

Just remember this: I have the right to type these things, and so far, the American government has not restricted that right. I thank God for that and pray He uses me for His glory. 

His glory is the only worthy reason to writing about defending the orthodox Christian faith. 

Lost Bible

the squiggles are frilly flower patterns

It's been 10 days since I lost my Bible and journal! This really impedes my New Years resolution to be in the Word (aka study the Bible and pray) more. I think I took it downstairs because I was really excited about the past post about Genesis 34. Maybe not. Whatever happened, I moved them and can't find them! I've looked everywhere! 

I really feel the need to be in the Word today because some days are harder than others, you know? Some days you wake up on the wrong side of the bed of contentment, and you have to be reminded of what's true and ground yourself in who God is. And you have to renew your mind and free it from being conformed to this world. 

Downton Abbey Season 3 (revised post)

Oh. my. word. 

I just finished Downton Abbey season three, because my mom, who has a special membership with PBS, got me the DVDs for Christmas. So of course I finished the season within 2 days! (I was also sick, so I had time to lay around ;) )

Since I don't want to spoil it for my friends, I will use words to describe how I feel. 

UGH. Frustrated. Shocked. 

None of those above words are shocking because, well, it's Downton Abbey. They always want to shock. :P

A TV show is a TV show, and I was thankful to see a real life sunset tonight, knowing that real life is much different than Downton Abbey.

I will say, they have changed some of the characters' personalities. They have an agenda to communicate, so they made Carson and Lord Grantham more intolerant and bigoted to prove their point. People love having bigots to scowl upon, because it always makes someone feel good to have someone else to look down on!

But both Carson and Lord Grantham, from the beginning of Downton, were kind, sweet and fatherly. Now they are harsh and cold-hearted, at least much of the screen time. Suddenly upholding even the most minute of traditions is more important that kindness. This was not the case at first. I hate that they sacrificed the fatherly figures of the show just to make a social point. And it doesn't make the point for me, sorry! It only muddles social issues and makes them more messy. 

However, that change is the only thing I didn't like about the season! I love how redemptive the show is as a whole. Each character goes through a kind of personal redemption (without naming Christ of course). The most inspiring redemptive story for me was Mary's story through seasons 1 and 2.  

And when it comes to tolerance, I will say that they made a great point about it when Thomas makes a new friend (not 'lover') at the end of Season 3. Bravo for that. It makes a point that all evangelicals I think mean at heart: that though we disagree with any immoral actions, showing general kindness to others is one way we desire show Christ's love. Yes, Christ's love has a tough side. A very tough side. But He's God and we're not. :)

My encounter with the nasty passage of Genesis 34

For years now I have really loved the book of Genesis. I love the narrative, the snapshots into ancient culture and customs, and how God revealed himself so plainly...

But today I hit a bump in the road. It's been over 8 years since I've really studied this, and since then I've usually swerved around this bump in the road, but there is a time to face your doubt head-on and deal with it! Gen. 34 is just nasty. The whole situation and every player in it is just nasty. The nastiest thing is what Jacob's two sons did. Cruel, heartless, mass-killing! 

And the voice in my head, a voice I am convinced was nurtured by all the anti-belief trends I marinated in while growing up in the Seattle area, the voice that dominated my being until I met Christ at 14... this voice questioned, "What kind of 'good' faith would have patriarchs like these? " or, "How can the Bible be God's Word with such horrific acts?" or, "How can God approve of this?"

These questions have heavy presumptions. The core presumption being that everything set forth in biblical narratives, including the choices of key people, is (or should be) approved by God and is considered holy even today. That patriarchs were perfect, holy people and should be our example. 

Psh! 

This is why it's important to get education in the Bible. This is why it's important for pastors to explain the whole Scriptures to their congregants. I'm so blessed to have gone to one of the best Bible colleges around, Moody Bible Institute. But again, I hadn't gone in-depth into a study of Genesis for 8 years now!

Luckily we still have our textbooks, plus more from David's seminary classes. I'd been reading a few things on Genesis (like commentaries and Bible encyclopedias) but the best thing I read on this has been James Montgomery Boice's commentary Genesis: An Expositional Commentary, Vol. 2 (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 1998.)

Boice's chapter (117) on Genesis 34 is entitled, "A Shameful Incident". The first thing he points out is that many influential commentators have not dealt with the passage, by either skipping it completely, telling readers to figure it out on their own, or sometimes even telling pastors there is no valuable lesson to preach from the passage (p. 829). Boice insists that there is, especially in the area of how not to live!

But the main encounter I want to focus on with Gen. 34 is bibliology (doctrine of the Bible) and even the inerrancy of Scripture, not so much the Christian life. The latter is a cake walk in this case...

Anyhoo, Boice says, 

"Whenever the Bible contains material that reflects so badly not merely upon the sins of humanity in general but also upon the particular wickedness in the hearts and lives of God's people, this is evidence of the divine and not merely the human origin of the Scriptures... Human writers would have suppressed these events, just as commentators sometimes seem compelled to suppress them today... As we study this chapter we find the words of 2 Timothy 3:16-17 to be true; "All Scripture is [indeed] God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man" [i.e. person] "of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work" (pp. 829-830).

If you were transcribing the ancient scrolls, would you not want to leave out Genesis 34? I would. Yet the Jews have included it in the Torah from the beginning (829). Our natural shame wants us to suppress things like this.

That's the point of the passage! We should be horrified by what we read. It was wrong. 

Moreover this passage touches on the roots of the Good News: Man cannot save himself. All other religions/spiritualities involve man reaching out to the divine somehow, but Christianity is God reaching down to man. The Good News is that all have sinned, that the wages of sin is death, and that the gift of eternal life is for all who believe in Jesus Christ alone for their salvation, not their own imperfect and perpetually tainted good works. (Romans 3:23, 6:23-24, Ephesians 2:8-9, Ephesians 1) 

Look at this pretty graph I made!

I first learned this from my youth pastor, and then learned all the amazing details from the Bible

Even before Christ, God told the Israelites that he chose them not because they were better than all the other nations around them, but because of his own goodness and sovereign plan (>>>Deuteronomy 7:6-9). And it is clear that regardless of all the stupid things God's people have ever done (like the Crusades, etc) God will still work out His plan. People will still believe in Jesus Christ. 

God's love is relentless. There's nothing we can do to stop Christ from doing his work on earth. People saying that Judaism or Christianity is false or the Bible is false can't stop it either. And pointing out Gen 34 as a reason to reject God is only an excuse masking deeper, tougher issues. 

Of course God hates what Simeon and Levi did. Their shame is our warning and our reminder that we are all capable of such evils, and such evils are in all our natures, and that God is the only one who can save us from ourselves and from His wrath against evil.

7:25 am

A Good Day!

Today has been a good day so far! It's only about 7:30, but it's been great.

First. Instead of being jerked awake much sooner than desired (usually 5:30) by cute cooing, I woke up on my own at 6:40! That would be enough in itself to make a good day. (Please don't feel sorry for me)

Second. I had a good dream last night. It included people I knew from Moody and Women's Choir, but also David and Carson, and even Maggie! A dream with lots of people I love in it is always better than the stressed-out, missing-a-deadline nightmares I usually have. (Weird thing was, Carson and Maggie were the same being. You know, one of those weird transitioning cases.)

Third. I not only had a good dream, and woke up before Carson, but I woke up knowing that I won't have to change a leaky cloth diaper. This is because he's in disposables because the cloth diapers are being stripped by RLR Laundry Treatment. And I got some detergent that is better for cloth diapers and is even compatible with hard water! (I won't talk about our old, broken water softener in the utility closet. Oh wait I did)

Fourth. I woke up on my own after having a good dream and knowing I wouldn't have to touch PJs with pee on them, but I woke up excited because I get to spend time with a friend from church at Olive Garden tonight. And this is all much easier to do because, Fifth, Carson is finally taking to liking soy milk and is really close to weaning. 

Sixth. Carson is abnormally non-fussy today. Usually, as I write this, he is screaming and whining through eating breakfast and my patience is already being tested. But right now he is eating eggs and cheerios quietly for once!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow! and thanks for sharing in these blessings with me.

I love Paint

Having a baby: One year later

One year ago today I was anxious and getting ready to go to the hospital to have our firstborn son! I'd already been having braxton hicks contractions for several weeks but was not even close to going into labor. Now Carson's birth story is nothing near "perfect" so I will skip some of the "hows" and all of the "whys" and just cut to the chase. But I'll start from the beginning! 

On April 14, 2011 we got the two lines! This was a surprise because I had been told that I have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome) and that it would be hard to get pregnant. Now we weren't trying to have a baby at this time, though for at least 2 years my desire to have children had been very strong. David's desire was much less strong for most of that time. 

I had just started a new job with the mindset that I would stay at that job for the duration of David's seminary career. After seminary we could deal with my apparent fertility issues. God had a different plan, and we were sure excited about it! Here I am on mother's day, a few weeks later, 9 weeks along (not showing, obviously):

Here I am 14 weeks, just beginning to get a bump.

At 20 weeks, 7/25, we found out it was a boy!

Below I am at 34 weeks on my last day of work at that job I was supposed to be at until David finished seminary.

Below is December 13th, 2011, getting ready to have Carson! Boy did I get huge! It was NOT comfortable, but totally and completely worth it. Aside from finding Christ and marrying David, this had to be one of the best days of my life! Being a mom has been the absolute best and most rewarding job I have ever had.

 I'll post more here about Carson's birthday celebrations! Yes, that is plural...

Missionary friends and Christian friends

Today we were so blessed to be visited by our friends Kristie and Boing (Cristian Boingeanu) who are in the States for a time. They do camp ministry in Romania. Boing is Romanian and Kristie is American! I knew Kristie as a close friend from my Moody days. 

When they pulled into our driveway I was pumped, and gave our baby in desperate need of a diaper change to my loving husband so that I could run toward Kristie and get a HUGE hug. We were so happy to see each other! 

Awesome mug and prayer card from them

Being with Kristie again instantly transported me back to the times I had at Moody - times of honesty, love and tears with close girlfriends who loved the Lord. We prayed for each other, spent life together, served others together, worshiped Christ together in chapel. I spent many hours in Kristie and Anne's room just hanging out and sometimes praying. 

I miss those days. Never have I lived in a community with such openness where I felt so safe to be myself. Granted, it took courage to participate in other's lives and share my heart. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to be vulnerable outside of environments like this. Or it takes a particularly painful trial to shock you out of selfishness. 

One or the other, vulnerability is hard to come by and seems to be rarely received with compassion out in the not-so-real "real world" that I apparently live in. I mean, it has been months since I have seem most of my neighbors. Months! I actually wonder if some of them have been away all that time. I even knocked on their doors for help with the aforementioned weed whacker (as some of my neighbors are pretty in to their weed whackers and their yards look amazing) and no one came to the door though their cars were there. It took guts for me to knock, and no one came. That doesn't make me want to try it again, but as Jesus would have it, I probably will. :)

Anyway, seeing Kristie again was bittersweet - I won't see her and Boing again for another year, I will miss their Romania wedding, and it opened up wounds I have now of missing seeking the Lord with those girls. It was sweet to laugh again with her, and see her glowing face with her fiance! 

Why is it that, even (or especially) in the seminary/church community, people's talk (especially busy moms like myself) is limited to small talk, to the same few subjects: work, kids, groceries, whatever...? Why is it so hard to say "God is teaching me this" or to say "Let's pray about this now"? Why don't we ever ask "How are you really doing?" Or "How is your marriage going?" Or to even confess our sins to one another as it says in James 5? I'm telling you, when we did this at Moody God's Spirit was free to move in our hearts and convict and change. But here I feel stagnant and like I'm becoming more like a Pharisee every day. It makes me discontent, but may that discontent be from the Lord and not from my own deceitful heart. May it cause change instead of cynicism. 

Will you join me in praying for revival? 

Messes

Baby makes messes

I make messes

Baby and I make messes

stupid low-quality baby food spoon makes messes

photo-happy non-smart phone makes messy pictures

espresso makes messes