Lonely evenings

How do you tell people that you are lonely and would love to have them over? There is honestly no non-awkward way to do that, nor is there a not risky way. You have to be vulnerable and willing to possibly feel even more lonely if someone responds negatively!

Could I post a pathetic status on Facebook? What a great impression that would make! If I call someone up what will they say? I know I've never ever received a call from a friend (except at moody) saying that they are lonely and would like to spend time with me! 

David's new work schedule takes him away 4 evenings a week, but I think now it's 5 with the holiday season schedules starting this early! This means that 4 days a week I only see my best friend at lunchtime for about an hour or hour and a half. I'm not complaining really, just trying to explain why I feel the way I do! I'm at home alone these evenings without a car, and also with a little guy who shouldn't be up past 8 or 8:30. 

So tonight, Saturday, especially is hard. My parents went to dinner and a concert with another couple. Friends get together with other couples to socialize or are at home with their families, getting ready for bed. Even all the singles or high school punks are partying and getting drunk, and driving by our house blasting their music.. which doesn't rouse my envy, except that they aren't alone... Hahaha.

Anyway, I guess I decided that blogging about it was better than nothing. That way if you read this you may actually care that I'm alone and possibly not think I'm pathetic for it! I know that I'm not alone in my loneliness but no one else I know is coming out and saying it! 

It's just hard to think about how to approach this topic. Who would actually sacrifice their precious Saturday night to come to my house to be with me? I'd think most people would schedule something more fun or family-oriented, or would rather be at home or out with the ones they love. And I sure wish we lived closer to our families.

I have many evenings like this and it hurts a bit. No one in particular has hurt me, including David! There is no one to blame. I'm not angry at anyone. It just hurts. And time and again God brings me through the loneliness to a new day of busy motherhood and other activities. He doesn't spare me the pain but I get through it alive by His grace and without sinning against Him or my family.

But hey, the invitation stands and if you are a friend who seriously wouldn't feel like you are condescending or forcing yourself or wasting your time, I'd love to do a puzzle or watch Napoleon Dynamite (again) on a lonely Saturday night. 

Not just 'airing my opinions'

pic source: socialmediamarketinguniversity.com

I love blogging and writing (when my charge allows) and could sit in front of this cheapo screen all day reading and writing. I think I even cherish this subconscious dream of becoming a writer of sorts, though I know I couldn't and wouldn't want to handle the stress, criticism and attention.

So I content myself to read the famous blogs. In recent months I've come to see why certain bloggers or authors get famous and others don't: The blogs that attract all the attention are people ranting and venting about being victimized in some form or another. Even worse, sometimes these bloggers have only a beginning or absolutely no formal education in the topic they are ranting about. And their readers, including myself, would rather read a short but attention-getting blog post rather than go to the library and read a more thoroughly researched, professionally edited and published work on the topic.

I notice that when I write about how I've been mistreated by someone and get snappish with my words, giving vent to my anger, that the post gets a lot of hits and feedback. When I write about every day things, being faithful in caring for family or just updates, or what God is teaching me through the Bible, it's usually not noticed that much.

pic source www.mrmediatraining.com

I know why this is. It's in our nature to flock to passionate causes, but also in our nature to flock to that which itches our ears, which causes us to feel that satisfaction of wrath against a real or perceived injustice, to even cherish our hatred of one group of people or another. It's in our nature to be hateful. It really is.

God has convicted me of this. It is wrong for me to use online resources for passive-aggressive behavior. It is wrong for me to use online means to give vent to and nourish my bitterness or anger! And whenever I've found myself in the situation of posting something like this, I'm ashamed. I also realize that I posted that thing without praying first, and that I hadn't been in God's Word recently when I did. Instead, I marinated my mind in thoughts written by someone not in a Christ-like frame of mind, or something who denies Christ altogether. Furthermore I realize that what I posted was just my rantings and opinions, usually not researched or in adequate response to something I've thoroughly studied. It is usually and solely an emotional reaction because of my offended pride.

Could it be that the Christian life requires someone to be extra careful with what they post online? I really think so. Could it be that a faithful Christian has a 'boring' online representation of their life? Yes! And I'm ok with that. In the context of contentment in any life situation Paul wrote, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

This means that I, as someone who loves to blog about my opinions, can through Christ's strength run those opinions through His Word and test to see if they are pleasing to Him before I post them. I can deny myself the emotional satisfaction of "getting back" at someone for hurting me. I can gain the courage to approach that person and talk to them face-to-face if they have hurt me. I regret that I've not done this in the past when I should. I always suffered from guilt or drama because of it. One or more relationships were strained. Most of all, anger and bitterness were allowed to take root and grow and prosper, making their presence in my heart more permanent and dangerous. It actually causes my spirit to die, the part of me that wants to seek and love God with all my heart. It stifles the hunger I've had in the past to know Him, and eradicates the hunger for time in the Word. It makes me friendships with people surfacey and shallow, never talking about the things of the Lord. It makes my view of reality to be shaped by worldly influences rather than the refreshing power of God's revealed words.

Now that I've further realized this I hope to change it by God's grace.

Thoughts on trying for a VBAC

I'm almost halfway through this pregnancy with our second child, so what to do when it's time for him/her to arrive has been on my mind more lately! I have two options: a scheduled C-section at 39 weeks (around December 10), or trying for a VBAC. The new OB I had been seeing at JFW had had a month to look at my op report to make sure I had the lowest-risk incision to try for a VBAC, so at my last appointment with her 5 days ago I asked her about it. She said I was in the clear and had the best incision, which she said most Doctors do today anyway (low transverse).

But she also told me that there was a 5 to 10% chance of something going wrong, and when it goes wrong it is almost impossible to save the baby. She also said that there is a greater chance of stillbirth when a woman goes past 41 weeks. Now, the percentage above is enough to dissuade me from thinking of a VBAC. The OB gave me two pamphlets published by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynocologists, one on Caesarean Birth and one on VBAC. 

Within the next couple days I read through the pamphlets and found that both pamphlets had a much more of a favorable description of a VBAC than my OB had given. The VBAC pamphlet said that the most serious risk of a uterine rupture is less that 1% with the kind of incision I have. Another source said it is a .47% chance! Further, other than saying there is a 60-80% success rate of TOLAC (trial of labor after Cesarean), the only other figure mentioned was the one I just said - the very low and rare risk of uterine rupture. No mention of this 5-10% chance of baby dying. Hhhhmmmmmmmm.....

Yet I was no longer ruling it out for one MAJOR reason: Lord willing, we want to have at least one or two more kids, possibly more, after this 2nd one! The pamphlet warned that if a woman wants to have more kids, having another Caesarean birth is not the best for her. The VBAC pamphlet says, "For women planning to have more children, VBAC may help them avoid problems linked to multiple cesarean deliveries. These problems include hysterectomy, bowel or bladder injury, and certain problems with the placenta." The Cesarean Birth Pamphlet warns, "... the more cesarean births a woman has, the greater her risk for some medical problems and problems with future pregnancies. This may not be a good option for women who want to have more children." That last quote from the pamphlet all about Cesarean births is what finally got me. I knew at this point that the best thing would be to try for a VBAC and I sought out more advice. My friend Becca put me in touch with a doula (me talking to a doula is an occurrence I honestly didn't see coming) and I got more information from her as well.

I won't try to have a VBAC just to climb Mt Everest, prove how awesome I am, what a great Mom I am (I'm not, fyi). I'm not militantly granola and I find that kind of mindset cultish, narrow-minded, judgmental, legalistic and burdensome. Just to be brutally honest. (I don't feel like I have any close friends who fall into that category, those of you reading this. lol. I get this from the things I read online.)

We are all told that childbirth is a natural process and that nothing usually goes wrong, that we don't need all this "medical intervention". But from the standpoint of our Creator, "natural" is a slippery word. Before the fall, yes, birth was easily "all-natural" and probably a lot less painful and didn't result in death. But now sin and it's result, death, is at work all over the world and has effected our bodies. Childbirth is no longer easy as it was originally created. Women used to write goodbye letters to their husbands before going in labor, so many women would die in childbirth before this age of medical advancement! And the fact remains that my labor did not progress with Carson, and if this happens again I will have to have a C-section. It may never be known if my labor would have progressed after the 8 hours I was in it with Carson, but I'd like to find out this time for the sake of my and my future children's health! So that I feel like David and I can have as many kids as the Lord allows without taking some major risks.

I will have a thousand questions for the nurse practitioner when I meet with her in early August. I've had a few questions buzzing around my head concerning the Dr. that delivered Carson. My mom's labor with me was long because I was her first. But after they broke my water, Carson only had 8 hours to get out before I had a C-section. What if the Dr. had let me labor through the night to see what would've happened? His vitals were fine. I had only gone from 2 to 4 cm, and most of that was earlier in the day. It had probably been 5 or so hours with no progress, still at 4 cm. By 6 PM I had the Dr (via speakerphone... ugh!), David, and David's mom standing around my hospital bed, waiting for me to say whether or not I was going to have a C-section after having been persuaded by the Dr. that I should. David's mom didn't say a word, but David was convinced by the Doctor. I was very drugged, physically and emotionally drained, and frightened! As was David. I felt relief when I decided to have a C-section. The experience itself was not so bad, nor was the recovery process.

My regrets with this are that,
1) I had been induced into labor with Carson instead of letting it come on its own. It seemed to me that labor coming in its own is much better. Or at least waiting to induce a little longer. I wonder if the labor with Carson was so slow because my body was not on board, and also slightly malnourished. 
2) I opened myself up to having a C-section as early as my 38 week appointment when the Dr gave me the doom and gloom speech about shoulder dystocia, or even as early as the first appointment when I told the Dr comically that I'm not all about natural childbirth, meaning without pain meds.
3) That I allowed the time crunch before Christmas, and my Dr's personal schedule, to pressure me into inducing. I could've easily had another Dr deliver Carson if she was busy. But I was too unsure of what birth was like and was scared of the whole process. (I've always been scared of health events honestly. Especially barfing. Don't get me started on my honeymoon! lol)

Like my mom said to me the other day, C-sections are sometimes medically necessary and thank God for that! But I'm unsure whether mine was. In fact, I highly doubt it was.

What our Daily Life is REALLY Like

We kind of live a crazy life around here. I feel the need to explain this to our friends so you can know our needs. We need help sometimes. And understanding. We need prayer for the health of our family and marriage. I know all families have hardships, and I don't want to compete or compare. I just want our friends to know why we may say "no" to things sometimes. I also want our friends to know why they may not see us as often as other families, or why we feel overwhelmed sometimes. Our lifestyle is crazy, sort of like overbooked college students only with children and a mortgage. So here goes...

David's Schedule and How it Effects our Family

The craziest thing we've dealt with for pretty much the entire 5 years we've been married is David working third shift @ UPS. Because he works through the night monday through friday night, he has to get his '8 hours' another time of the day. So he sleeps from about 6:30 til 1PM. This throws a wrench in some social activities and things scheduled in the mornings, or makes them difficult for him to attend... When friends move, they move saturday mornings. That is David's equivalent of 2AM. When friends call David's phone during the mornings and lunch, he can't talk. He's sleeping :) And when Carson is playing around the house, can I let him scream a lot? not really... And every time I go into our room in the mornings to change clothes or get something, he stirs. I hate disturbing him and wish he could get more and better sleep. I've put darkening curtains in our bedroom to help him. Thankfully, most of the time David is a heavy sleeper. But not always. We have to be careful and considerate of him...

David also works two other jobs in addition to UPS. One is that he works afternoons Monday through Friday at Sacred Heart Model School. He is their After School Care Director. He works from 2 to 6. So when David wakes up at 1, he gets ready to go to work again and is gone until about 6:30. Though weeks are tight for us, it is God's provision and the schedule is doable for now. I have been praying for months that God would provide David with one job instead of these two being our principle income. He needs it, so if you could join me in prayer for this I would appreciate it! I need to be more persistent about prayer in this area though, because Christ commanded that in Scripture...

The third job David works is at our beloved home church working with AWANA and youth sunday school. When David wakes up Saturdays around lunch time, we have family time because it is the only day of the week where we can have any family time longer than one hour! Saturday nights he works on his Sunday School lesson. They are going through the book of Matthew. Carson and I miss David a lot during the week. Carson only gets to see Dada usually for an hour before bedtime M-F. I guess for some families this is okay, but we want more. 

Honestly, we have this constant feeling of being stretched and overworked. In a country that glorifies and worships workaholics, I don't feel like I fit in. Though we play the part very well! 

What also effects our schedule and our family is that we only have one car. It's easy for me to get my errands done when David sleeps  from 6:30 til 1, though Carson naps from 11:30 on. This gives me a four or five hour window to do stuff I need or want to do outside the home. But David uses the car from 1:30 to 6:30. By 6:30 I've been making dinner for an hour while feeding Carson, and also have it ready for a starving, hardworking husband when he comes home. David and Carson get their time together, and then Carson goes to bed between 7:30 and 8:00 right now. This gives David and I time together, though lately this has been spent doing work in our basement. He leaves for UPS around 10 and the daily cycle starts again for him... work 10-6, sleep 6:30 to 1, work 2-6, be with family from 6:30 time 10, etc. etc. etc. 

When you do the math, David's work week comes out to about 55 hours; 30-35 at UPS and 20 at SHMS. During the school year he also takes two classes. I don't know how my love does this, but he does it well. Very well. He is strong and hard working. He is not wimp. If there was ever a man who worked hard to provide for his family by doing whatever he can, it would be David. I am so proud of him. 

On Me Staying at Home

You can imagine that I could feel a load of guilt for David working so much outside the home, and here I am at home with Carson and soon to be another child. I'm not going to divulge all my struggles in this area, but I will just say that what we have now is the best for us. We know this.

A short explanation: If I were to work outside the home, I could never make as much per hour as David makes at any of his jobs. Thus if I worked and replaced income from one of David's jobs, I would have to work about twice as many hours as he works at the job just to make the same amount of money. This would give is even less time together as a family and make our schedule even more ridiculous.

I wish we could say that I am at home purely as a calling from the Lord, but I can't. Up until the third trimester of my first pregnancy we were planning on me working at least part time. Then this job at SHMS as After School Care Director fell in David's lap. It has been the best job he has ever had! The principal is wonderful and understanding of his third-shift sleeping schedule. The pay is exactly what we need. The job itself is fun for David, and also good for building his resume. He wants to be a Children's and/or Youth Pastor. Once he finishes his M.Div. next year he will have already sent out resumes, Lord willing. He has in the past, but God has closed all doors and so far laid on our hearts to stay where we are and serving in our home church, which we love. 

My daily schedule is formed around Carson's and David's schedules. I spend most of my day in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning up after cooking. I do laundry (we have a lot with cloth diapers ;) ), mow the lawn, pay the bills and manage our budget, do trash and recycling, grocery shopping, schedule events, watch kids for friends, and just play with and care for Carson. Though with all the chores, it is difficult to sit down and play with him when every where I look something needs to be done. 

So getting out of the house is essential for me. Not having car access in the afternoons, when chores are mostly done and Carson and I are getting cabin fever, has been a bit of a challenge, though I've adjusted. I've sort of made myself more introverted in order to serve my family better. But of course I spend too much time on FB when I feel the need to be in contact with people. I can't change the fact that God made me extroverted and a people person!

Could You Pray for Us?

We have struggled for a long time now with our lifestyle. What is more taxing than anything is the way he gets treated at his most necessary job, UPS. Every supervisor gets treated badly there, so David isn't particularly deserving of it or anything. We depend on UPS for SBTS tuition reimbursement, health/dental insurance and for half of our income. 

I always miss David when he leaves at night for work. A lot of my interactions with him throughout the day are in transition between some job or other and sleep. Many times he is only half awake. Sometimes this makes communication difficult! We strive to do weekly dates or 'couch time' and we make time to talk. 

David doesn't have much of a social life outside our family and his coworkers. By nature David is an introvert and doesn't require much in that area, though I see that he is hungry for time with other guys. Especially guys who share his interests, like his friends Jeremy, Scott B., Jason, Don, etc.  He also loves his parents and they talk frequently. 

So What?
 
In conclusion dear friends, if you see David nodding off at church, or ever wonder why we don't make it to events or helping someone move, or why David forgot to call you back for the 3rd time, or why you haven't heard from him for a while... now you know why, if you didn't already! :)

I just wanted to be a little vulnerable and share my heart with my friends. I know you all have difficulties, especially if you are a seminary family with young kids, etc.... Again, I have absolutely no time or patience to compare or judge how people spend their time, and I just ask that our friends don't do that to us. People love to compete because we are proud. I am just accepting the lot that God has given me, and I pray that you can do the same for yourself and your family.


But most importantly, could you please pray for David gets one job to take the place of his two at UPS and SHMS?!?!

 

Why Christians need to be cautious with Rachel Held Evans' writings

This lady has gotten attention; for her skepticism, embrace of doubt, for questioning everything about traditional American evangelicalism. Bible interpretation, women's roles, especially the word "biblical", homosexuality, gay marriage and other sexual issues are all areas that she has a voice in.

She strikes a chord with those jaded by evangelicalism. Or the cynics. Or people who have doubts that they just can't conquer. She also strikes a chord with people who are or have been part of a typical evangelical subculture or church, but who do not have the family structure that is usually desired: marriage and/or children.

These issues and viewpoints are personal and, I'm guessing, painful. They definitely cause a lot of friction. Thus when I write this I have absolutely no intention of causing more hurt. I also realize that writing as one with the desired familial structure I may not be well received.

Can the reader set aside any bias against me? I hope so. I'm simply writing as a Christian to anyone who is curious enough to know my two cents.

I've been observing Rachel Held Evans from a distance for two or three years now; reading her stuff, reviews of her stuff, articles about her or by her, etc. She's smart. I love her writing style. I resonate with many of her concerns about American evangelicalism. I too struggle with church.

But there are some things about her trains of thought, her presuppositions, her hermeneutic, her views of authority, that I think can lead to some serious betrayals of orthodox Christianity. Not evangelicalism, but Christianity. Stuff that transcends the littler issues that divided denominations or elected presidents. I'm talking core stuff.

Before I go any further, I want to say that Evans is so good with words and thoughts that I'm sure she would easily refute what I have to say. In fact, it's as if the trap has been laid, and I'll probably step right into it, for refuting anything she writes only confirms what she writes about stereotypical evangelicals. Inherent in her style is an argument that is almost impossible to refute, for she speaks out of both sides of her mouth when using her postmodern hermeneutic on God's word and world.

Nonetheless I'll say what I feel led to say: 

Following her train of thought will lead a Christian down a path that forsakes the inerrancy, authority and sufficiency of Scripture. On this train also rides those who don't truly believe, deep down, that the Holy Spirit is working in evangelical churches, which are part of Christ's body, today. In her view, it seems as if most (or all) authority in America's church is really a fabricated, man-made, and hopelessly corrupt system. Therefore we can't trust these pastors or church leaders, we can only trust ourselves.

The subtle denial of Scripture's inspiration and its implications, embracing and nurturing doubts of Scripture's authority, and lowering the Bible to the status of just another classic novel or good moral book is an age-old practice. What I see that may be new with Evans is that she blurs the line between higher and lower textual criticism, but at the core embraces a higher criticism and doesn't view Scripture as authoritative. This leaves one with a powerless social gospel, devoid of the Holy Spirit and the power of regeneration and sanctification and glorification. Jesus didn't die and physically raise from the dead in order to save us from the penalty of our sins; He just physically rose and we don't know what for.

But I see that God's Spirit is working. Yes, even in silly ol' 'Murica. And a vast majority of the Scriptures are really easy to understand and are much harder to twist than people say it is. In fact, the Bible through and through has some pretty nasty things to say to those who choose to reject God's word. It has some doubly nasty foretellings for those who lead God's children away from the gospel as well. There actually are God-given categories of thought for fear and trembling, and for God's authoritative judgment. He is our Creator.

We should fear to flout what God says in his word. We should fear his judgement for tampering with a Christian's one reliable source of eternal truth. We should also fear that we are trampling on the blood of Christ poured out for us, going back on what we had received; adoption into God's family, wholly undeserved; the inheritance of God's kingdom; the sure promises of God; an essential place to serve in the body of Christ; the gospel of peace on our feet, powerful to save and free to all; the child-like trust in God alone for reconciliation with him! We cannot throw these eternal benefits away to have our ears itched, our doubts confirmed and to feel better about not fitting a temporal man-made mold of the nuclear family! What do we get if we gain the whole world and yet lose our souls?

Dear friends, if you are a fan of RHE I make no claim to know where your heart or hers is when it comes to the Christian faith. I'm only saying what I see in what she writes. I think one should be very cautious to lock themselves into a way of thinking proselytized by a person whose fame has flourished on a platform of creating a vacuum of belief, of denying old ways, and pulling out and tossing aside foundation stones.

I also don't think that questioning things is wrong. The right or wrong is in the answer you settle on. And the standard of right and wrong belongs to God, not people.

Lastly I think this all just boils down to who you put your faith in and how you perceive the role of postmodern thought in biblical interpretation or the illumination of Scripture. If red flags don't come up in your mind when someone makes weighty claims that question millenia-old teachings of Christianity, then I fear for you.

On being an everyday apologist

I am continually surprised and at the same time discouraged by how many people who have called themselves Christians in the past are doing things against... let's call it, 'traditions'. I don't mean this self-righteously. I'm tempted to do the same things they now do, but the grace of God sustains me. I don't really talk to any of these people anymore.

But I make war on the doubts that creep up in my mind. I'm troubled. I'm burdened. I'm struggling. But I'm not defeated because of God in me. Over the years, even in Bible college, I've been through serious doubts about God and about Christ and about the Bible. But in the bloody pits of these battles I call out to God and He sustains me. Sometimes I don't even call out to God, and ignore Him; yet still, he speaks to me. He reveals himself to me. He shows his love to me. 

I don't know if these people who fell away did that, or what kind of pain they have been through, or anything. I don't really know them, I just see and hear about what they do. And I read about the kinds of thoughts and philosophies that lead to a denial of our faith and a free license to do whatever they want without fear of God. 

But nothing strengthens faith like discouragement, opposition or persecution. I turn over in my mind the claims of those against my faith. And I'd like to write more about what goes in on my brain here. 

My hesitation has always been the crap that people will throw at me, or the kinds of things they will say behind my back. Or to my face, since the internet makes people more rude and bold at times. 

But if I am staying true to my conscience, to what I feel God's Spirit leading me to do, and if I am doing nothing against the plain word of God, then I have nothing to be ashamed over. It's not shameful to be passionate about what's good. And if my passion for what's good makes someone feel guilty for being passionate about bad things, but they cover up their guilt with anger and hate and snappy remarks, I'm told that I'm blessed in receiving that. But am I throwing the proverbial pearls before the proverbial swine?

So maybe I'll go out of my comfort zone a bit. I'll start blogging about being an 'everyday apologist', with a Bible in one hand and a baby in the other. As I'm washing dishes and thinking, or as I'm watching Carson play and thinking, ... maybe I'll write some of those thoughts here. Maybe not.

Let me make one thing clear: I have no reason to hold myself above anyone who lives differently than me. I am just 'one beggar telling another beggar where to get bread.'

If I sound self-righteous to any of you, you have misunderstood me and I'm sorry. I work all day every day at setting aside my pride and checking my motives. I've almost gone insane over it, but for the assurance of God's acceptance of me by Christ.

Just remember this: I have the right to type these things, and so far, the American government has not restricted that right. I thank God for that and pray He uses me for His glory. 

His glory is the only worthy reason to writing about defending the orthodox Christian faith. 

Lost Bible

the squiggles are frilly flower patterns

It's been 10 days since I lost my Bible and journal! This really impedes my New Years resolution to be in the Word (aka study the Bible and pray) more. I think I took it downstairs because I was really excited about the past post about Genesis 34. Maybe not. Whatever happened, I moved them and can't find them! I've looked everywhere! 

I really feel the need to be in the Word today because some days are harder than others, you know? Some days you wake up on the wrong side of the bed of contentment, and you have to be reminded of what's true and ground yourself in who God is. And you have to renew your mind and free it from being conformed to this world. 

My encounter with the nasty passage of Genesis 34

For years now I have really loved the book of Genesis. I love the narrative, the snapshots into ancient culture and customs, and how God revealed himself so plainly...

But today I hit a bump in the road. It's been over 8 years since I've really studied this, and since then I've usually swerved around this bump in the road, but there is a time to face your doubt head-on and deal with it! Gen. 34 is just nasty. The whole situation and every player in it is just nasty. The nastiest thing is what Jacob's two sons did. Cruel, heartless, mass-killing! 

And the voice in my head, a voice I am convinced was nurtured by all the anti-belief trends I marinated in while growing up in the Seattle area, the voice that dominated my being until I met Christ at 14... this voice questioned, "What kind of 'good' faith would have patriarchs like these? " or, "How can the Bible be God's Word with such horrific acts?" or, "How can God approve of this?"

These questions have heavy presumptions. The core presumption being that everything set forth in biblical narratives, including the choices of key people, is (or should be) approved by God and is considered holy even today. That patriarchs were perfect, holy people and should be our example. 

Psh! 

This is why it's important to get education in the Bible. This is why it's important for pastors to explain the whole Scriptures to their congregants. I'm so blessed to have gone to one of the best Bible colleges around, Moody Bible Institute. But again, I hadn't gone in-depth into a study of Genesis for 8 years now!

Luckily we still have our textbooks, plus more from David's seminary classes. I'd been reading a few things on Genesis (like commentaries and Bible encyclopedias) but the best thing I read on this has been James Montgomery Boice's commentary Genesis: An Expositional Commentary, Vol. 2 (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 1998.)

Boice's chapter (117) on Genesis 34 is entitled, "A Shameful Incident". The first thing he points out is that many influential commentators have not dealt with the passage, by either skipping it completely, telling readers to figure it out on their own, or sometimes even telling pastors there is no valuable lesson to preach from the passage (p. 829). Boice insists that there is, especially in the area of how not to live!

But the main encounter I want to focus on with Gen. 34 is bibliology (doctrine of the Bible) and even the inerrancy of Scripture, not so much the Christian life. The latter is a cake walk in this case...

Anyhoo, Boice says, 

"Whenever the Bible contains material that reflects so badly not merely upon the sins of humanity in general but also upon the particular wickedness in the hearts and lives of God's people, this is evidence of the divine and not merely the human origin of the Scriptures... Human writers would have suppressed these events, just as commentators sometimes seem compelled to suppress them today... As we study this chapter we find the words of 2 Timothy 3:16-17 to be true; "All Scripture is [indeed] God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man" [i.e. person] "of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work" (pp. 829-830).

If you were transcribing the ancient scrolls, would you not want to leave out Genesis 34? I would. Yet the Jews have included it in the Torah from the beginning (829). Our natural shame wants us to suppress things like this.

That's the point of the passage! We should be horrified by what we read. It was wrong. 

Moreover this passage touches on the roots of the Good News: Man cannot save himself. All other religions/spiritualities involve man reaching out to the divine somehow, but Christianity is God reaching down to man. The Good News is that all have sinned, that the wages of sin is death, and that the gift of eternal life is for all who believe in Jesus Christ alone for their salvation, not their own imperfect and perpetually tainted good works. (Romans 3:23, 6:23-24, Ephesians 2:8-9, Ephesians 1) 

Look at this pretty graph I made!

I first learned this from my youth pastor, and then learned all the amazing details from the Bible

Even before Christ, God told the Israelites that he chose them not because they were better than all the other nations around them, but because of his own goodness and sovereign plan (>>>Deuteronomy 7:6-9). And it is clear that regardless of all the stupid things God's people have ever done (like the Crusades, etc) God will still work out His plan. People will still believe in Jesus Christ. 

God's love is relentless. There's nothing we can do to stop Christ from doing his work on earth. People saying that Judaism or Christianity is false or the Bible is false can't stop it either. And pointing out Gen 34 as a reason to reject God is only an excuse masking deeper, tougher issues. 

Of course God hates what Simeon and Levi did. Their shame is our warning and our reminder that we are all capable of such evils, and such evils are in all our natures, and that God is the only one who can save us from ourselves and from His wrath against evil.

Missionary friends and Christian friends

Today we were so blessed to be visited by our friends Kristie and Boing (Cristian Boingeanu) who are in the States for a time. They do camp ministry in Romania. Boing is Romanian and Kristie is American! I knew Kristie as a close friend from my Moody days. 

When they pulled into our driveway I was pumped, and gave our baby in desperate need of a diaper change to my loving husband so that I could run toward Kristie and get a HUGE hug. We were so happy to see each other! 

Awesome mug and prayer card from them

Being with Kristie again instantly transported me back to the times I had at Moody - times of honesty, love and tears with close girlfriends who loved the Lord. We prayed for each other, spent life together, served others together, worshiped Christ together in chapel. I spent many hours in Kristie and Anne's room just hanging out and sometimes praying. 

I miss those days. Never have I lived in a community with such openness where I felt so safe to be myself. Granted, it took courage to participate in other's lives and share my heart. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to be vulnerable outside of environments like this. Or it takes a particularly painful trial to shock you out of selfishness. 

One or the other, vulnerability is hard to come by and seems to be rarely received with compassion out in the not-so-real "real world" that I apparently live in. I mean, it has been months since I have seem most of my neighbors. Months! I actually wonder if some of them have been away all that time. I even knocked on their doors for help with the aforementioned weed whacker (as some of my neighbors are pretty in to their weed whackers and their yards look amazing) and no one came to the door though their cars were there. It took guts for me to knock, and no one came. That doesn't make me want to try it again, but as Jesus would have it, I probably will. :)

Anyway, seeing Kristie again was bittersweet - I won't see her and Boing again for another year, I will miss their Romania wedding, and it opened up wounds I have now of missing seeking the Lord with those girls. It was sweet to laugh again with her, and see her glowing face with her fiance! 

Why is it that, even (or especially) in the seminary/church community, people's talk (especially busy moms like myself) is limited to small talk, to the same few subjects: work, kids, groceries, whatever...? Why is it so hard to say "God is teaching me this" or to say "Let's pray about this now"? Why don't we ever ask "How are you really doing?" Or "How is your marriage going?" Or to even confess our sins to one another as it says in James 5? I'm telling you, when we did this at Moody God's Spirit was free to move in our hearts and convict and change. But here I feel stagnant and like I'm becoming more like a Pharisee every day. It makes me discontent, but may that discontent be from the Lord and not from my own deceitful heart. May it cause change instead of cynicism. 

Will you join me in praying for revival?