VBAC Chronicles Episode 4

I realized I hadn't written recently on this, but I've sure given it a lot of thought and effort!

But I first wanted to say to anyone reading this that I don't have what I see as typical reasons for attempting a VBAC. I don't want "the dream birth I've always wanted" and don't feel cheated at all that I had a Cesarean with Carson. In fact, we had no problems bonding or breast feeding and there was definitely no lack of oxytocin post-partum:) I see the birthing process as a means to an end, more than an end in and of itself. I truly just care about the labor process and VBAC for health reasons. The one medical fact that pushed me in this direction is that it is healthier in the long run and will better enable us to have as many kids as the Lord allows. 

I recently watched The Business of Being Born and loved it. I cried of course, and really agreed with everything they said except one thing at the end: that a cesarean interrupts the natural bonding process in mammals (and thereby humans, in their logic) and threatens the mother-child bond in a big way. Like I said above, I had no problem being totally overwhelmed with feelings of love and protection for my little guy. Even in recovery all I wanted to do was hold him! ...while pestering the nurse for pain meds cuz they took the epi out and OUCH. Maybe women who are knocked out completely have a harder time bonding. I wouldn't know! 

Other than not regretting my cesarean except that it was unnecessary, and watching the documentary, I've also hired a doula and am about to meet her today! Her name is Jami and I'm floored to have her help. Doulas increase the chances of having a successful VBAC by 40%, and considering that about 60-80% of women who do a TOLAC actually succeed, I'd say having Jami to help would make me more like an 80% chance of success. 

My main reason for hiring a doula is because of what I've learned about the labor process and how the interventions that I allowed to take place during my induction with Carson led to my Cesarean. Not only will a doula help you stick to your birth plan, but she will help you go through contractions without pain meds. And it took me a loonngg time and lots of my own research to even fudge on the epidural. But once I discovered that part of helping the baby get in the right position is moving around and not being bound to a bed (Carson wasn't descending from what I remember). So if I'm not having the epi and bound to a bed, I'm probably going nuts screaming over the pain I'm feeling! Also, Jami mentioned that it's better to place the epi later.

The biggest deal with all of this for me is that in order for me to avoid having major abdominal surgery unnecessarily, I have to fight for it. I have to do my own research, find support, and be most likely willing to tell a doctor, a highly trained professional, that I don't agree with their wishes for my body. To tell a Dr for example that I am unwilling to be induced before a certain time, or be induced by AROM (breaking water). In some cases, women have to actually fight against a Dr being very pushy for them to give up the trial of labor and just schedule a section. But I hate confrontation like this and avoid it like the plague. And I used to just go along with whatever the Dr said because it was law. But part of this is a return to the truth that Drs are medical advisors. They do not have the final say what happens to me or my baby! Even in emergencies, the Dr has to have permission from David to cut me open! 

Maybe I'll write more after I meet up with Jami! 

Lonely evenings

How do you tell people that you are lonely and would love to have them over? There is honestly no non-awkward way to do that, nor is there a not risky way. You have to be vulnerable and willing to possibly feel even more lonely if someone responds negatively!

Could I post a pathetic status on Facebook? What a great impression that would make! If I call someone up what will they say? I know I've never ever received a call from a friend (except at moody) saying that they are lonely and would like to spend time with me! 

David's new work schedule takes him away 4 evenings a week, but I think now it's 5 with the holiday season schedules starting this early! This means that 4 days a week I only see my best friend at lunchtime for about an hour or hour and a half. I'm not complaining really, just trying to explain why I feel the way I do! I'm at home alone these evenings without a car, and also with a little guy who shouldn't be up past 8 or 8:30. 

So tonight, Saturday, especially is hard. My parents went to dinner and a concert with another couple. Friends get together with other couples to socialize or are at home with their families, getting ready for bed. Even all the singles or high school punks are partying and getting drunk, and driving by our house blasting their music.. which doesn't rouse my envy, except that they aren't alone... Hahaha.

Anyway, I guess I decided that blogging about it was better than nothing. That way if you read this you may actually care that I'm alone and possibly not think I'm pathetic for it! I know that I'm not alone in my loneliness but no one else I know is coming out and saying it! 

It's just hard to think about how to approach this topic. Who would actually sacrifice their precious Saturday night to come to my house to be with me? I'd think most people would schedule something more fun or family-oriented, or would rather be at home or out with the ones they love. And I sure wish we lived closer to our families.

I have many evenings like this and it hurts a bit. No one in particular has hurt me, including David! There is no one to blame. I'm not angry at anyone. It just hurts. And time and again God brings me through the loneliness to a new day of busy motherhood and other activities. He doesn't spare me the pain but I get through it alive by His grace and without sinning against Him or my family.

But hey, the invitation stands and if you are a friend who seriously wouldn't feel like you are condescending or forcing yourself or wasting your time, I'd love to do a puzzle or watch Napoleon Dynamite (again) on a lonely Saturday night. 

I QUIT!

This evening I am feeling a tremendous sense of relief, as if a heavy burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. Or the freedom a woman might feel in breaking up with an abusive boyfriend.

I've quit cloth diapering. Cold turkey. I just removed my last cloth diaper (filled with squishy nasty poop) and cleaned it and threw it in the wash with my last load of cloth diapers. I have several lightly used or never worn diapers that I'll be selling, along with cloth wipes, extra inserts, a pail and a wet bag. 

I don't need to explain why, because the past four posts I've written about that explain most of it. The rest of my reasons for quitting include the overall stinkiness, time/energy commitment (laundry involves going up and down a flight of stairs a few times), and probably our old washer and extremely hard water. 

Most of all, cloth diapering was my favorite mothering fetish and took up the energy of my devotion. But no more. I don't have to cloth diaper to be a good homemaker or even to save our family money. I don't have to cloth diaper to be a good mom, in the same way that a lady doesn't have to have a natural (or even vaginal) birth to be a good mom. 

I loved cloth diapers. They are cute. But they are also smelly and incompatible with my life now! I'm no longer asking for advice or tips because I've tried IT ALL. Twice. It didn't work and it's taking way too much of my emotional and physical energy.

Anyone have any good deals on disposable diapers? :) I'm all ears.

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