VBAC Chronicles Episode 4

I realized I hadn't written recently on this, but I've sure given it a lot of thought and effort!

But I first wanted to say to anyone reading this that I don't have what I see as typical reasons for attempting a VBAC. I don't want "the dream birth I've always wanted" and don't feel cheated at all that I had a Cesarean with Carson. In fact, we had no problems bonding or breast feeding and there was definitely no lack of oxytocin post-partum:) I see the birthing process as a means to an end, more than an end in and of itself. I truly just care about the labor process and VBAC for health reasons. The one medical fact that pushed me in this direction is that it is healthier in the long run and will better enable us to have as many kids as the Lord allows. 

I recently watched The Business of Being Born and loved it. I cried of course, and really agreed with everything they said except one thing at the end: that a cesarean interrupts the natural bonding process in mammals (and thereby humans, in their logic) and threatens the mother-child bond in a big way. Like I said above, I had no problem being totally overwhelmed with feelings of love and protection for my little guy. Even in recovery all I wanted to do was hold him! ...while pestering the nurse for pain meds cuz they took the epi out and OUCH. Maybe women who are knocked out completely have a harder time bonding. I wouldn't know! 

Other than not regretting my cesarean except that it was unnecessary, and watching the documentary, I've also hired a doula and am about to meet her today! Her name is Jami and I'm floored to have her help. Doulas increase the chances of having a successful VBAC by 40%, and considering that about 60-80% of women who do a TOLAC actually succeed, I'd say having Jami to help would make me more like an 80% chance of success. 

My main reason for hiring a doula is because of what I've learned about the labor process and how the interventions that I allowed to take place during my induction with Carson led to my Cesarean. Not only will a doula help you stick to your birth plan, but she will help you go through contractions without pain meds. And it took me a loonngg time and lots of my own research to even fudge on the epidural. But once I discovered that part of helping the baby get in the right position is moving around and not being bound to a bed (Carson wasn't descending from what I remember). So if I'm not having the epi and bound to a bed, I'm probably going nuts screaming over the pain I'm feeling! Also, Jami mentioned that it's better to place the epi later.

The biggest deal with all of this for me is that in order for me to avoid having major abdominal surgery unnecessarily, I have to fight for it. I have to do my own research, find support, and be most likely willing to tell a doctor, a highly trained professional, that I don't agree with their wishes for my body. To tell a Dr for example that I am unwilling to be induced before a certain time, or be induced by AROM (breaking water). In some cases, women have to actually fight against a Dr being very pushy for them to give up the trial of labor and just schedule a section. But I hate confrontation like this and avoid it like the plague. And I used to just go along with whatever the Dr said because it was law. But part of this is a return to the truth that Drs are medical advisors. They do not have the final say what happens to me or my baby! Even in emergencies, the Dr has to have permission from David to cut me open! 

Maybe I'll write more after I meet up with Jami! 

Lonely evenings

How do you tell people that you are lonely and would love to have them over? There is honestly no non-awkward way to do that, nor is there a not risky way. You have to be vulnerable and willing to possibly feel even more lonely if someone responds negatively!

Could I post a pathetic status on Facebook? What a great impression that would make! If I call someone up what will they say? I know I've never ever received a call from a friend (except at moody) saying that they are lonely and would like to spend time with me! 

David's new work schedule takes him away 4 evenings a week, but I think now it's 5 with the holiday season schedules starting this early! This means that 4 days a week I only see my best friend at lunchtime for about an hour or hour and a half. I'm not complaining really, just trying to explain why I feel the way I do! I'm at home alone these evenings without a car, and also with a little guy who shouldn't be up past 8 or 8:30. 

So tonight, Saturday, especially is hard. My parents went to dinner and a concert with another couple. Friends get together with other couples to socialize or are at home with their families, getting ready for bed. Even all the singles or high school punks are partying and getting drunk, and driving by our house blasting their music.. which doesn't rouse my envy, except that they aren't alone... Hahaha.

Anyway, I guess I decided that blogging about it was better than nothing. That way if you read this you may actually care that I'm alone and possibly not think I'm pathetic for it! I know that I'm not alone in my loneliness but no one else I know is coming out and saying it! 

It's just hard to think about how to approach this topic. Who would actually sacrifice their precious Saturday night to come to my house to be with me? I'd think most people would schedule something more fun or family-oriented, or would rather be at home or out with the ones they love. And I sure wish we lived closer to our families.

I have many evenings like this and it hurts a bit. No one in particular has hurt me, including David! There is no one to blame. I'm not angry at anyone. It just hurts. And time and again God brings me through the loneliness to a new day of busy motherhood and other activities. He doesn't spare me the pain but I get through it alive by His grace and without sinning against Him or my family.

But hey, the invitation stands and if you are a friend who seriously wouldn't feel like you are condescending or forcing yourself or wasting your time, I'd love to do a puzzle or watch Napoleon Dynamite (again) on a lonely Saturday night. 

I QUIT!

This evening I am feeling a tremendous sense of relief, as if a heavy burden has been lifted off of my shoulders. Or the freedom a woman might feel in breaking up with an abusive boyfriend.

I've quit cloth diapering. Cold turkey. I just removed my last cloth diaper (filled with squishy nasty poop) and cleaned it and threw it in the wash with my last load of cloth diapers. I have several lightly used or never worn diapers that I'll be selling, along with cloth wipes, extra inserts, a pail and a wet bag. 

I don't need to explain why, because the past four posts I've written about that explain most of it. The rest of my reasons for quitting include the overall stinkiness, time/energy commitment (laundry involves going up and down a flight of stairs a few times), and probably our old washer and extremely hard water. 

Most of all, cloth diapering was my favorite mothering fetish and took up the energy of my devotion. But no more. I don't have to cloth diaper to be a good homemaker or even to save our family money. I don't have to cloth diaper to be a good mom, in the same way that a lady doesn't have to have a natural (or even vaginal) birth to be a good mom. 

I loved cloth diapers. They are cute. But they are also smelly and incompatible with my life now! I'm no longer asking for advice or tips because I've tried IT ALL. Twice. It didn't work and it's taking way too much of my emotional and physical energy.

Anyone have any good deals on disposable diapers? :) I'm all ears.

Recent Pics

Update

So the first thing I'd probably say in an update is how BIG I am and how uncomfortable I feel. Don't get me wrong, I consider that a good thing! I'm looking forward to getting the ball rolling with giving birth in about 3 months! I just don't know how much bigger my belly can stretch from the last time it housed a baby! I'm still praying for little Samuel's health. And about a month ago I finally got consistent in taking prenatals again! 

David loves his new job. Honestly it's boring, but that's ok! Amazon treats their employees very well. So far, adjusting to four evenings a week apart hasn't been so bad, but it's only been two days.

One of my favorite (for lack of a better word) things lately was being asked to play for a funeral of a sweet older lady at our church. I could probably just take the "er" off of that because I'm sure she would've agreed that she was "old" at 92! She was pretty much the sweetest old lady I've ever known. It was heart wrenching to see her 60+ member family crying and hurting so much as they missed her. It was hard to play the songs I had practiced so hard because it was just so emotional! 

I have four piano students this school year! It is super fun. For now I am teaching kids of friends to gain the kind of experience that can go on a resume, doing it as favors for little money or in exchange for babysitting favors. But lately the vision has been forming in my mind to have a studio of my own when my kids are older... Which could be a while depending on how many I have. Not only would being a piano teacher be totally awesome, but it would be in line with my college education and all the years and years and hours of hard work I put into learning the piano! 

People who are unfamiliar with the cost of lessons for a beginner child would be surprised to hear that it would be about 50$ a month. But think about it: a person without a High School Diploma will easily charge 80$ a month to mow and trim your lawn weekly. And I would be asking 50$ to weekly teach your child in a one-on-one setting how to play piano, having studied it for 20 years under Drs of Piano! Piano is an art that takes a lot of practice and education. When I took lessons in high school with a Juilliard grad, they costed 200$ a month! 

So piano has been on my mind lately, if its not obvious enough :) At first I realized its a side of myself that I don't talk about that much, because I take it for granted and so few friends I know played piano that much. But it's an amazing experience to be able to be asked to play for a funeral just two days before, and to have all the previous years of hours of practice alone in a practice room (hours of being "culturally irrelevant") to be able to pull it off. The reward: seeing how it blessed a bereaved family to hear music that describes the beauty of God and heaven. Or playing for weddings! I've done at least 5. I try to pick music that is beautiful and worshipful. The great thing about weddings is that there is more time to prepare! 

Anyhoo, I'm neglecting my motherly duties! 

Positive Job Update!

Today God provided David with a way out of UPS! His work there, mainly for the last 3 years in a supervisory role, has been just short of psychological torture. I'd rather not go into details here, but let me just say this: Don't become a front-line supervisor at UPS Worldport.

Moving on! David will now be working at the local Amazon.com fulfillment center right near us in our home town! He'll still be working third shift and will still also work at Sacred Heart Model School as their After School Care Director. He'll have to drop one of the two seminary classes he's taking this semester. He'll probably get in pretty good shape and get to grow his goatee back :) Those are the least of the perks of course. We will save big on gas money and wear and tear on our car, and he'll get a 3 day weekend, at least from Amazon. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that our new schedule we be just as crazy as it always has been! (See my recent post about this) But it will be a lot less stressful in some very important ways. 

Practically, his new schedule fleshes out to be about 5 more hours of work a week. I know... More hours! For now, he'll be gone the entire evenings of tuesday through friday starting next week. When he came home from the interview today to ask me before accepting the position, it was hard for me to say yes... but not that hard. 

When you have a family you all have to make sacrifices. It's just what we have to do to get by, and there's no other way to do it right now. For this season I'm giving up the evenings we've had together and replacing them with lunches together, but only four days a week. Carson's nap will start later, around 1 now. Further, instead of about an hour and a half round-trip commute to UPS for David, that time will be spent working at a place only 10 minutes from our house. Also, this job is full-time. UPS never was, and it is very difficult to get full-time employment where he was at. At Amazon, he could easily be promoted and make enough to only have to work ONE JOB to make enough. We're teaming up to do this for our mental health. Ironic, I know.

Needless to say, I'd love to have friends over in the evenings now! Especially for dinner or play dates for the kids. 


 

VBAC Chronicles Episode 3 (or, Thoughts on trying for a VBAC, part 3)

On Monday I saw a midwife for the first time, and I felt like it went well. I can tell how she is overseen by the OBs in the office because she still commented a lot on me trying to keep Samuel's weight down by eating healthier and exercising! It was very motivating and since the appointment I've barely eaten any chocolate (used to be a daily thing) and I'm sticking to whole grains. I also bought some great groceries from Trader Joe's, which surely makes eating healthier much more pleasurable! Anyway, I joined a FB group called "VBAC Facts Community" and posted a question about baby weight and VBAC. Woman after woman after woman after woman after woman posted about how they or a friend or relative has delivered a 10, 11, 12lb, etc baby doing VBAC. A doula posted that our body very very rarely makes a baby too big to push out, and that size of the baby is not a factor in the baby getting stuck while I push. and judging by all the hip pain I endured last time, I think they would be able to get a baby through 'em!

One of the most shocking things the midwife said was that the office I had switched out of has a C-section rate of 50%. That percentage sounds unbelievable to me, but I do know the OB I had been seeing was really pushing for me to have an RCS (repeat c/s). Also the office I was a part of is owned by the hospital, whereas the one I'm at is not (though they are next door).

I wish I would've had a list of questions ready, but luckily I still have 4 months to ask them. The midwife also made it clear that I won't be pressured either way and that I should not feel trapped. I really really REALLY appreciated her saying that. I felt pretty trapped in the other office, where I had very little support for a VBAC so I would've had one. From what I know so far having more c-sections limits the number of kids you can have, which makes me feel the most trapped of all!

Since my appointments got off track, my next one is in 6 weeks with one of the OBs in the office. Both OBs are male, so this will be a little awkward for me the first time... hahaha. And I definitely NEED to get Carson a babysitter for that because it includes by gestational diabetes 1 hr test. Let's just say by the end of that hour everyone in the office would be rolling their eyes and popping pain pills for their headaches. Carson is in a "special" phase right now.

Last time I wrote on this I was really torn about having a VBAC because of the type of risks involved. As of now I am still definitely going to try, but it really depends on how things go near the end of the pregnancy, and how pushy the midwives will be if they even think that Samuel will be 9 lbs.  I've heard the margin of error on those weight guess is a whopping 2 lbs! I'd also like to know what kinds of accommodations the hospital has for a woman having a uterine rupture in TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean). David's Mom, a seasoned nurse, told me that I should ask those questions. But honestly I was too distracted with Carson being so fussy the whole time that I forgot all my questions. 

A couple days ago David told me of his fears about losing me :( The thing is, I reminded him, that the risk for a VBAC attempt is more for Samuel and not me. This is still the clincher for us, even though the risk is so miniscule. If I end up having a c-section, I will have to seriously lay on the altar my dream of having 4 or more kids.

Thanks for reading!