Update

So the first thing I'd probably say in an update is how BIG I am and how uncomfortable I feel. Don't get me wrong, I consider that a good thing! I'm looking forward to getting the ball rolling with giving birth in about 3 months! I just don't know how much bigger my belly can stretch from the last time it housed a baby! I'm still praying for little Samuel's health. And about a month ago I finally got consistent in taking prenatals again! 

David loves his new job. Honestly it's boring, but that's ok! Amazon treats their employees very well. So far, adjusting to four evenings a week apart hasn't been so bad, but it's only been two days.

One of my favorite (for lack of a better word) things lately was being asked to play for a funeral of a sweet older lady at our church. I could probably just take the "er" off of that because I'm sure she would've agreed that she was "old" at 92! She was pretty much the sweetest old lady I've ever known. It was heart wrenching to see her 60+ member family crying and hurting so much as they missed her. It was hard to play the songs I had practiced so hard because it was just so emotional! 

I have four piano students this school year! It is super fun. For now I am teaching kids of friends to gain the kind of experience that can go on a resume, doing it as favors for little money or in exchange for babysitting favors. But lately the vision has been forming in my mind to have a studio of my own when my kids are older... Which could be a while depending on how many I have. Not only would being a piano teacher be totally awesome, but it would be in line with my college education and all the years and years and hours of hard work I put into learning the piano! 

People who are unfamiliar with the cost of lessons for a beginner child would be surprised to hear that it would be about 50$ a month. But think about it: a person without a High School Diploma will easily charge 80$ a month to mow and trim your lawn weekly. And I would be asking 50$ to weekly teach your child in a one-on-one setting how to play piano, having studied it for 20 years under Drs of Piano! Piano is an art that takes a lot of practice and education. When I took lessons in high school with a Juilliard grad, they costed 200$ a month! 

So piano has been on my mind lately, if its not obvious enough :) At first I realized its a side of myself that I don't talk about that much, because I take it for granted and so few friends I know played piano that much. But it's an amazing experience to be able to be asked to play for a funeral just two days before, and to have all the previous years of hours of practice alone in a practice room (hours of being "culturally irrelevant") to be able to pull it off. The reward: seeing how it blessed a bereaved family to hear music that describes the beauty of God and heaven. Or playing for weddings! I've done at least 5. I try to pick music that is beautiful and worshipful. The great thing about weddings is that there is more time to prepare! 

Anyhoo, I'm neglecting my motherly duties! 

Positive Job Update!

Today God provided David with a way out of UPS! His work there, mainly for the last 3 years in a supervisory role, has been just short of psychological torture. I'd rather not go into details here, but let me just say this: Don't become a front-line supervisor at UPS Worldport.

Moving on! David will now be working at the local Amazon.com fulfillment center right near us in our home town! He'll still be working third shift and will still also work at Sacred Heart Model School as their After School Care Director. He'll have to drop one of the two seminary classes he's taking this semester. He'll probably get in pretty good shape and get to grow his goatee back :) Those are the least of the perks of course. We will save big on gas money and wear and tear on our car, and he'll get a 3 day weekend, at least from Amazon. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that our new schedule we be just as crazy as it always has been! (See my recent post about this) But it will be a lot less stressful in some very important ways. 

Practically, his new schedule fleshes out to be about 5 more hours of work a week. I know... More hours! For now, he'll be gone the entire evenings of tuesday through friday starting next week. When he came home from the interview today to ask me before accepting the position, it was hard for me to say yes... but not that hard. 

When you have a family you all have to make sacrifices. It's just what we have to do to get by, and there's no other way to do it right now. For this season I'm giving up the evenings we've had together and replacing them with lunches together, but only four days a week. Carson's nap will start later, around 1 now. Further, instead of about an hour and a half round-trip commute to UPS for David, that time will be spent working at a place only 10 minutes from our house. Also, this job is full-time. UPS never was, and it is very difficult to get full-time employment where he was at. At Amazon, he could easily be promoted and make enough to only have to work ONE JOB to make enough. We're teaming up to do this for our mental health. Ironic, I know.

Needless to say, I'd love to have friends over in the evenings now! Especially for dinner or play dates for the kids. 


 

VBAC Chronicles Episode 3 (or, Thoughts on trying for a VBAC, part 3)

On Monday I saw a midwife for the first time, and I felt like it went well. I can tell how she is overseen by the OBs in the office because she still commented a lot on me trying to keep Samuel's weight down by eating healthier and exercising! It was very motivating and since the appointment I've barely eaten any chocolate (used to be a daily thing) and I'm sticking to whole grains. I also bought some great groceries from Trader Joe's, which surely makes eating healthier much more pleasurable! Anyway, I joined a FB group called "VBAC Facts Community" and posted a question about baby weight and VBAC. Woman after woman after woman after woman after woman posted about how they or a friend or relative has delivered a 10, 11, 12lb, etc baby doing VBAC. A doula posted that our body very very rarely makes a baby too big to push out, and that size of the baby is not a factor in the baby getting stuck while I push. and judging by all the hip pain I endured last time, I think they would be able to get a baby through 'em!

One of the most shocking things the midwife said was that the office I had switched out of has a C-section rate of 50%. That percentage sounds unbelievable to me, but I do know the OB I had been seeing was really pushing for me to have an RCS (repeat c/s). Also the office I was a part of is owned by the hospital, whereas the one I'm at is not (though they are next door).

I wish I would've had a list of questions ready, but luckily I still have 4 months to ask them. The midwife also made it clear that I won't be pressured either way and that I should not feel trapped. I really really REALLY appreciated her saying that. I felt pretty trapped in the other office, where I had very little support for a VBAC so I would've had one. From what I know so far having more c-sections limits the number of kids you can have, which makes me feel the most trapped of all!

Since my appointments got off track, my next one is in 6 weeks with one of the OBs in the office. Both OBs are male, so this will be a little awkward for me the first time... hahaha. And I definitely NEED to get Carson a babysitter for that because it includes by gestational diabetes 1 hr test. Let's just say by the end of that hour everyone in the office would be rolling their eyes and popping pain pills for their headaches. Carson is in a "special" phase right now.

Last time I wrote on this I was really torn about having a VBAC because of the type of risks involved. As of now I am still definitely going to try, but it really depends on how things go near the end of the pregnancy, and how pushy the midwives will be if they even think that Samuel will be 9 lbs.  I've heard the margin of error on those weight guess is a whopping 2 lbs! I'd also like to know what kinds of accommodations the hospital has for a woman having a uterine rupture in TOLAC (trial of labor after cesarean). David's Mom, a seasoned nurse, told me that I should ask those questions. But honestly I was too distracted with Carson being so fussy the whole time that I forgot all my questions. 

A couple days ago David told me of his fears about losing me :( The thing is, I reminded him, that the risk for a VBAC attempt is more for Samuel and not me. This is still the clincher for us, even though the risk is so miniscule. If I end up having a c-section, I will have to seriously lay on the altar my dream of having 4 or more kids.

Thanks for reading!

I made dis: bible verse wall art

I grew up in a home ruled by Creative Memories ("Shoebox to Showcase" when I was little) so I should be using my craft and design skills more. Once I made some other wall art using dried flowers my honey got me while we were engaged, and I also recently made an album of Carson's first year of life. It wasn't digital either, and making it was surprisingly therapeutic and stress relieving. The feeling of creating something beautiful and bringing your inspired idea to life is fulfilling, and I think it demonstrates how we are made in the image of our Creator. He sure is creative *chuckle*

Tonight I made dis! 

Psalm 36:7-9 is one of those passages that God really touched me with as a new believer is early 2001. It is such beautiful poetry too. Plus lately I've been praying to know God better cuz He's sent some heart-refining situations my way in the last few months. What better way to show off God than to put something like this on my wall? :)

Enough babble. All it took to make this was an old combo frame, and some crafty materials, duh! 

I used a cute variety paper pad, our cheap printer, Staples' rotary trimmer for free, and CM's tape runner for adhesive since it's so flat. It was super easy to pull off once the idea came to me. Anyone can do it. 

Not just 'airing my opinions'

pic source: socialmediamarketinguniversity.com

I love blogging and writing (when my charge allows) and could sit in front of this cheapo screen all day reading and writing. I think I even cherish this subconscious dream of becoming a writer of sorts, though I know I couldn't and wouldn't want to handle the stress, criticism and attention.

So I content myself to read the famous blogs. In recent months I've come to see why certain bloggers or authors get famous and others don't: The blogs that attract all the attention are people ranting and venting about being victimized in some form or another. Even worse, sometimes these bloggers have only a beginning or absolutely no formal education in the topic they are ranting about. And their readers, including myself, would rather read a short but attention-getting blog post rather than go to the library and read a more thoroughly researched, professionally edited and published work on the topic.

I notice that when I write about how I've been mistreated by someone and get snappish with my words, giving vent to my anger, that the post gets a lot of hits and feedback. When I write about every day things, being faithful in caring for family or just updates, or what God is teaching me through the Bible, it's usually not noticed that much.

pic source www.mrmediatraining.com

I know why this is. It's in our nature to flock to passionate causes, but also in our nature to flock to that which itches our ears, which causes us to feel that satisfaction of wrath against a real or perceived injustice, to even cherish our hatred of one group of people or another. It's in our nature to be hateful. It really is.

God has convicted me of this. It is wrong for me to use online resources for passive-aggressive behavior. It is wrong for me to use online means to give vent to and nourish my bitterness or anger! And whenever I've found myself in the situation of posting something like this, I'm ashamed. I also realize that I posted that thing without praying first, and that I hadn't been in God's Word recently when I did. Instead, I marinated my mind in thoughts written by someone not in a Christ-like frame of mind, or something who denies Christ altogether. Furthermore I realize that what I posted was just my rantings and opinions, usually not researched or in adequate response to something I've thoroughly studied. It is usually and solely an emotional reaction because of my offended pride.

Could it be that the Christian life requires someone to be extra careful with what they post online? I really think so. Could it be that a faithful Christian has a 'boring' online representation of their life? Yes! And I'm ok with that. In the context of contentment in any life situation Paul wrote, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

This means that I, as someone who loves to blog about my opinions, can through Christ's strength run those opinions through His Word and test to see if they are pleasing to Him before I post them. I can deny myself the emotional satisfaction of "getting back" at someone for hurting me. I can gain the courage to approach that person and talk to them face-to-face if they have hurt me. I regret that I've not done this in the past when I should. I always suffered from guilt or drama because of it. One or more relationships were strained. Most of all, anger and bitterness were allowed to take root and grow and prosper, making their presence in my heart more permanent and dangerous. It actually causes my spirit to die, the part of me that wants to seek and love God with all my heart. It stifles the hunger I've had in the past to know Him, and eradicates the hunger for time in the Word. It makes me friendships with people surfacey and shallow, never talking about the things of the Lord. It makes my view of reality to be shaped by worldly influences rather than the refreshing power of God's revealed words.

Now that I've further realized this I hope to change it by God's grace.

Thoughts on trying for a VBAC, Part 2

My head is buzzing with questions: another month has passed and so I had another appointment this past week with my going-to-be-former OB. (I decided to switch to a practice that has both midwives and OBs so that I could have more support if I decide to attempt a VBAC.) 

At this last appointment with her I was hoping to ask her more questions, but the more questions I asked, the more uncomfortable she seemed to get. When answering my questions, she continually tried to dissuade me from a VBAC by emphasizing the dangers of it and by continually mentioning having a repeat cesarean. She mentioned repeatedly not letting me go past 39 or 40 weeks, which would probably completely eliminate the chances of letting labor come on its own, something a woman attempting a VBAC should definitely do.

She also answered her phone and left the room in the middle of the appointment, and when she returned said (not because of the call) that she had to move on to the next appointment. Further, the more questions I asked, the more she said, "We'll see when you are further along, especially how big the baby is..." and referring to how Carson was 8'12'' (which in my book isn't that big). But I have a lot of questions and would like to set up a goal now before it's too late and I get pressured into having another Csection when I don't feel prepared or informed enough, like last time. I want more information.

I've liked this Dr. for several reasons though. Especially for how she acted at my 13 week appointment when she couldn't find the heartbeat (anterior placenta) and had to have an immediate ultrasound. She was genuinely worried and I could tell by the look on her face, yet she tried to remain calm. That impressed me. Further, she has always asked questions about our lives apart from my pregnancy or female health. She always tried to interact with Carson. In short, she has awesome bedside manner, but as she hinted to at this most recent appointment, there are powers above her that probably limit her ability to oversee a VBAC. In fact, without my mentioning my switch or to whom I was switching, she recommended the very group of midwives with whom I have my next appointment! 

In spite of this Dr's unwillingness to openly support my attempt at a VBAC or answer my questions in a fair manner, the pendulum has lately swung back towards having another section. Here's why:

**The risks to baby Samuel for attempting a VBAC are huge in severity but small in number or probability, whereas the risks to Samuel for a repeat Cesarean are small in severity and number, but worse for my body in the future, and possibly future pregnancies. 

**Future children/pregnancies have been my whole motivation for even considering a VBAC. But right now I have 2 kids, one in utero and one out. The one in utero (Samuel David) is already here, and I must consider his safety. At this point, I would rather have to have a hysterectomy or other problem that is not life-threatening to me or Samuel than risk Samuel's life in any form. I would rather have some health problem in the future than face the tragic death/loss of brain function because my uterus ruptured because I chose to try to have a vaginal birth. Any tragedy we would face because of a failed VBAC would be my fault directly. 

Samuel's life is much more important to me than having a uterus when I go through menopause or being able to impress other moms with my super-birthing powers. Plus, right now having more than two children is only a dream, not a reality. Samuel David Guthrie is a reality and a gift from the Lord. His life is more important than a VBAC or a dream that may or may not become a reality through our biological children.

But I have yet to talk with the midwives (august 19th). I want more information.

Lastly, the consent form that Clark Memorial has you sign has some interesting stuff to say. I don't know if it is from the OB or Midwife perspective. It seems to contain a balance of both, so I thought I'd retype it here. It is thought provoking I think.

Informed Consent for Patients with a Prior Cesarean Birth

1. I understand that I have had one or more prior Cesarean births.

2. I understand that I have the option of undergoing an elective repeat cesarean or attempting a vaginal birth after a cesarean.

3. I understand that approximately 70% of women who undergo a VBAC will successfully deliver vaginally.

4. I understand that the risk of a uterine rupture during a VBAC in someone such as myself, who has had a prior incision in the non-contracting part of my uterus, is around 1%.

(This is what I said above-->) 5. I understand that VBAC is associated with a higher risk of harm to my baby that to me.

6. I understand that VBAC carries a lower risk to me than does a cesarean delivery.

7. (their emphasis) I understand that if my uterus ruptures during my VBAC, there may not be sufficient time to operate and to prevent the death of or permanent brain injury to my baby.

8. I understand that the decision to have VBAC is entirely my own and the option of an elective repeat cesarean has been discussed with me. (This hasn't really been discussed with me as much as I'd like! Because as I said, the Dr. hasn't really answered my questions. ha)

9. I understand that if I deliver vaginally, I most likely will have fewer problems after delivery and shorter hospital stay than if I have a cesarean delivery.

(boo! Don't like this) 10. I understand that during my VBAC, the use of oxytocin (Pitocin) hormone to make my uterus contract may be necessary to assist me in my vaginal delivery and the "risks" of this drug have been thoroughly explained to me. 

11. I understand that if I choose a VBAC and end up having a cesarean during labor, I have a greater risk of problems than if I had had an elective repeat cesarean.

12. I have read or have had read to me the above information... etc etc



Sigh. Any thoughts or advice are welcome.

In conclusion, this situation has thrust me into several conflicts: the war between the OB camp and the midwife camp; the conflict between two routes of childbirth, neither of which I want to take; the current issues that divide many moms between two camps of birthing thought; the idea that "the business if being born" (which I have yet to watch btw) is what got me into this mess in the first place... the nagging thought that if I had not trusted only one doctor so implicitly (because of fear), I may not have to make this hard decision at all. I envy my friends who have had 1, 2 or more vaginal births.

Why can't there just be a third way to give birth? That would be adoption ;)

We're having another BOY :)

On Monday the 29th we went for the extensive 20 week ultrasound and found out we are having another boy! I'm pretty excited. I think boys are fun, and though I have a sort of grieving process for the frills, pinks and dresses for now, I've ever been a huge fan of those things anyway. And for now God has made us the mother and father of two boys!

Here are some shots from the ultrasound. (Per David's request, no pics of boy parts! haha)

The Dr. scheduled me for an additional ultrasound to check out his lip, I guess to make sure he doesn't have a cleft pallet? (spelled that wrong I think) It seemed she was saying they just couldn't see it. He sure was moving a lot during the ultrasound and the technician and I had to take a break from it and let me walk around to see if he would move differently so she could get a front shot better. It was almost an hour long actually!